Why I will probably never get married ... or ... yeah I am an asshole too

[plural]

no this isn't a solicitation

this rant has been brewing for a little while it started formation in a conversation with
budhaboy when I was in Maryland the other weekend and the image
below sparked it off

and another thing, much of this speaks in absolutes but those of you who know me,
know I am not a person of absolutes I am sure there are plenty of exceptions to the rules
and that is ok, these are more general concepts each case will be determined individually

also it is very important to remember that everything in this is two way
meaning if I expect something from my partner, they can and should expect it from me
these are relational concepts not edicts from heaven

also I use "you" frequently, it is a matter convenience, not a personal address,
it is just easier for me to phrase of it in terms of a discussion with a significant other

rant





while almost anyone would agree that this goes a little too far
it is probably closer than the truth than many men are comfortable with

the poor bastards

permissions and decisions

you see I have a problem when it comes to asking permission
many many years ago someone wiser than myself acquainted me with the saying

"it is better to ask forgiveness than permission"

and for the most part I took it to heart

I do not think I have asked anyone for permission for anything in years
the only exception I can think of is getting approval for purchases on behalf of a company
which is less about asking permission and more about making sure you crossed all your Ts

my standard policy was to start a process and if someone had a problem
they could come to me about it

in my relationships I never ask for permission unless
I want to stick my nose into their business
if it was my business I do what I need to do and that is that

and quite frankly
any woman who thinks I am going to ask for her permission
has quite a shock in store for her

for the most part it rarely comes up in my relationships
I tell them what I am going to do listen to their concerns
respond with my ideas and present my decision

once the decision is made it takes new information to alter it

now let me clear something up I am not a control freak
at least not where other people are concerned
I also do not expect my women to ask me for permission for anything
generally the only thing they do ask is with regard to spending my money
which is tiresome and annoying but I understand it

If we live together and share finances
do not ask me if you can buy something
you know how much money is in the account
you know what the bills are
if there is enough money buy it, if there isn't don't
it is really that simple

if you want to make a larger purchase something anything over a grand or two
just make sure it doesn't use up all of the available cash
so I can feed my various addictions as needed

if you really have a concern call the accountant that what she is there for
to tell us when we can or can not afford something
do not waste my time asking me

now if you want to know if you should buy X instead of Y
that's a great question to ask me as long as it is not inane

I do not mind discussing whether you should buy a BMW or a Porsche
as long as you have done some research into the two choices
know something about the differences
but I do not want to spend thirty minutes debating
whether you should buy the red Porsche or the white one
[however discussing the color of the couch would be acceptable]
[that relates to our life and our shared space]
[but your car is your damn car, pick what you want]

my time is more valuable than that
our time is more valuable than that
just make up your own damn mind
and let me know what you decide

I used to date a girl who never could decide what to eat
I would ask her what she was in the mood for
and her answer would always be "I don't know"
but when I suggested something it was never good enough
and if by some miracle in listing every damn type of cuisine available in the city
happened to find a restaurant that appealed to her
we would spend an hour looking at the menu because she couldn't pick out something to eat

I will not go through that again

that doesn't mean the occasional case of indecision is abhorrent to me
on the contrary, it is when it becomes a life paralyzing trend that I have a problem

you are responsible for making the decisions that effect your life
I am willing to help, but not to make them for you

the word "no"

I use the word no in strange ways which take some getting used to
generally I answer all yes or no questions with no

are you listening to me? no
can I buy this dress? no

sometimes a girl will try to get tricky to see if I am really not listening
and ask
"do you want a blow job?"
and no, I do not say no to that one

I am not sure when this habit started but it rather amuses me

generally what I mean is why are you asking me this question

if you want the dress buy it
if you think I am not listening, then why are you still talking
if you want to blow me, do so
trust me I wont complain in the slightest

that is what I call the casual no

there is only one other way
I use no
that is the serious no

everything in between
I use various forms of noncommittal answer

he not really
wouldn't you rather
if that's what you want
etc etc

because 99% of the time I just do not care what we do

My general take on it is
I would rather be doing whatever you think is fun and having a great time
than waste time trying to decide what to do

you want to go shopping great
let me call the accountant and
have her transfer some more money
to the petty cash account

want to take a hike to a waterfall, I'm down

go for a drive in the country
read a book together
get a massage
call in sick to work and lock ourselves in the bedroom for five days
whatever you want babe
I just love spending time with you

you want to go to the opera, great I love the opera

tori amos sure no problem

michael bolton? no fucking way

that's the one percent I left out earlier
the serious no

it isn't negotiable
I will explain it but not argue it

that doesn't mean you cant go that's what you have friends for
to go to the shit there is no way in hell you are going to drag me to

I don't ask you to come to technical briefings
entitled "active server component migration under exchange 2000 and .Net server"
so don't ask me to come see michael bolton

you wont see the serious no very often
I only use it with things I categorically refuse to do

way I figure it I have a right to the occasional serious no

I will never use it however to avoid your family or avoid your work related functions
that is business and business comes above all other things

I do however reserve to right to bitch quietly in the corner
if your parent come to stay with us for a month
there is such thing as too much of a good thing
besides do you really want your parents to hear
the things you scream during sex
and do not for a minute think that because your parents are staying with us
that I give up the right to screw your brains out on the hood of the car

I want to step into something else which I mentioned just above

business and responsibilities

a serious relationship is like a business
we both have certain responsibilities in a relationship
most of these responsibilities are to each other
and the relationship as a separate entity
but some include other people
like going to boring family gatherings, various social functions
and work related events

you are expected to attend the vast majority of these without complaint
I will do the same for yours and not having any of yours
does not excuse you from mine

it is preferable to schmooze and be genial
but at the very least you need stand there
look cute on my arm and smile on cue
while I take care of my responsibilities

most likely I do not want to be there either
so spare me the "are you done yet" or "can we go now" whining
and when we get home spare me the tripe about how you were miserable
and I was having a good time

that was an act part of the responsibility to put on the family show
you know I do not like people
that you could not tell it was an act was the entire point
and yes I am just that damn good at it

business is always separated from our personal lives
and our personal lives are private

you do not discuss our personal life
with my family, business associates or friends
that what your friends are for
use them well
[you will need them]

you do not discuss our business with anyone
except on a need to know basis
this includes your friends

which leads us to...

matters of decorum

business takes precedence over personal
if I am on a business call
it had better be an emergency to interrupt it

if you have a quick question
write it down and hand it to me
I will respond as soon as possible

if we are having a personal discussion
and I will make every attempt to prevent it from being disturbed
if I can not avoid taking a call
I will keep it as brief as possible
out of respect for our prior discussion

when someone from my office calls
at two in the morning
the first words out of my mouth are
"who died"
if I don't get a satisfactory answer
I hang up the phone

If you disagree with something I do or say
take it somewhere private
do not air our personal lives in public

public includes everyone not you or I

if it is absolutely vital and can not wait until later,
politely interrupt and move the discussion to private location

I will do everything in my power to preserve your dignity in public
and to make you look good in front of others
I expect the same in return

matters of sex

I figure most of these issues
will be resolved before we get to this point
but just to reiterate

I like sex
I expect sex and oral sex daily preferably multiple times
I figure the more orgasms you have the more you will be willing to put up with my shit
and chances are you will require a whole lot of orgasms to do that

personal time

I am a private person
I expect a certain amount of personal time each day
and I will grant you personal time as needed
and I expect that time to be mostly undisturbed

should we have children they are obviously excused from this
as a child doesn't understand the concept of personal time or the need behind it

this need for personal time will not however
be used to escape discussions, child rearing responsibilities, etc
and will be fairly balanced so that each of us has roughly
the same amount of personal time available to us

how this personal time is spent
whether I am working on my bike
or staring at the wall, is my business
how I am occupying my time
does not enter into the calculations of how valuable it is
[i.e. whatever I am doing is not wasted time, even if it looks like it to you]

obviously there are huge exceptions to this
and while in this rant I have not talked about exceptions
I will in this case

the following are examples of valid exceptions
[by no means a complete list]

anything relating to business
something broke
the children are driving you crazy and you need a break
you need sex
the house is on fire
you just got home and had a horrible day at the office

in other words if you have a valid need
validity will be determined by frequency of use
in other words don't cry wolf

things that are not valid exceptions
[again not an inclusive list]

the dishes need to be done
my mother is on the phone
[your mother would however be valid]
[if she wanted to speak to me]
[because that is business]

secrets

My work is my domain
what I am able or chose to share is my decision

I am under no obligation to tell you every last detail
of everything single that goes on

There will be things
I either do not want to
or am not able to tell you

I will never betray your trust or our commitments
so if I am keeping a secret you can be assured
it is not something which would hurt you

These may range from matters of confidence involving other people
I will never betray your confidence, do not ask me to betray someone else's
[or ask but accept my choice]
my decision in such matters is mine alone
to matters of surprises
I fully intend to surprise you with various things
on a fairly frequent basis
if you do not like surprises
too damn bad
*grin*

I will not however surprise you with anything that I believe
would embarrass you too much

the old example of a husband telling his wife he has a surprise
for her birthday so she waits for him to get home
and opens the door naked
only to find her husband and her in laws standing there
comes to mind here

/rant

I will end this here
even though it is hardly complete
but the key thing to remember
is

I do not expect anything from you that I am not willing to give
and these are just some of my expectations and quirks
you are perfectly free to bring along some of yours
along for the ride too

Comments

[budhaboy.livejournal.com]

heh.

I felt that way when I got married.

After a couple of years, it became clear that if I wanted to stay married, something would have to change...

In the time since I've made the decision, I've noticed that by my previous constraining of my involvement in relationships, I had excluded a large portion of the experience of humanity:

Humility

While this dimension to humanity was certainly distasteful in my twenties, it's come to actually be a blessing in my ability to empathize with others (a trait that is useful if you want to convince people of things without using the barrel of a gun).






NOTE: as always, this is in no way a judgement on your point of view, rather (for good or ill) a statement of mine.

[whatdot.livejournal.com]

2nd rant already?

It seems like you've got too much of a defined view of how the world should be. What happens if you're with someone who disagrees with a few of your rules?

[plural.livejournal.com]

like I said at the top
these are more generalities
spoken in absolutes
than absolutes
in themselves

[ikilled007.livejournal.com]

Opera sucks. It truly does.

Yet, allow me to play Cupid for a moment. Meet petra: she loves the opera too.

[mourningstarr.livejournal.com]

I love that permission slip....hmm perhaps I should start using one...lol

"/rant"

[j3z-.livejournal.com]

(This sounds like a job for the <lj-cut> tag (http://www.livejournal.com/support/faqbrowse.bml?faqid=75)...)

Re: "/rant"

[plural.livejournal.com]

thats nice
next time i am posting
in your journal
I will remember that

until then
I think you should start listening for the "pop"

Re: pop

[jmichiko.livejournal.com]

you referenced this 'pop' in majorweather's comments
as well, but i'm not sure what it implies.

*grin*

[plural.livejournal.com]

the pop
very distinctive sound
you hear it when your head
finally comes out of your ass

Re: *grin*

[jmichiko.livejournal.com]

ah so...
point well taken.

[plural.livejournal.com]

I wasnt referring to you
of course
but
it suffers from a lack of punch
when you start messing
with the verbage

Re:

[jmichiko.livejournal.com]

well yes, true enough.

[azulskies.livejournal.com]

you remind me so of a person i used to know (all too well)

but in a good way

[therealturtle.livejournal.com]

wow.

Interesting view-

[luv2ride.livejournal.com]

Even more interesting that I agree with 99% of what you've said above. Strange since I think we are vastly different when it comes to views on everything else.