How can life be so full of pleasure and yet be so worthless to me

[plural]

i may not believe in god
but he believes in me

tonight
was a good night
at least as far as
baccus would be concerned

i constantly amaze myself
at
my ability to materialize
even my slightest desires

my only disappointment is
that
i seem only to want
the
trivial
and
wanton

what ever am i talking about
this time



well
tonight
i was a bit tired
but bored
so i decided to go
see
a movie

get a bit of hollywood in my system
to remind me of home

i saw the count of monte christo
which
i greatly enjoyed
although i am not making
any statements as to its caliber
as a movie
but
simply that it fit my mood
and my immediate needs

upon leaving the theatre
i
thought about a nice chilean girl
i had met some weeks before
mmm
she was scrumptious
i had her phone number
back at
the hotel
but
that seemed to remote
and
uncomfortable
especially considering
she
speaks no english
and
i precious little spanish

instead i decided
i would
settle for a drink
and
perhaps a little dancing
and
call it an early night

i caught a cab
to suecia
[an area with many pubs]
and
was strolling casually down the street
when
whom did i spy
but
her


i slipped over
to where she was standing
with her friends
and
tapped her on her shoulder

i was immediately gratified
to see that the attraction
i had felt for her was mutual
and
was hurriedly introduced to
all of her friends

i may pause
for a moment to mention
one of my favourite things
about south america

when meeting a friend
of the female variety
all greetings are exchanged with kisses

from what i can tell
strangers are not accorded this
but
a friend of a friend is

and
perhaps it is trivial
but
i have greatly enjoyed
the myriad of kisses
i have received in this manner

anyway back to my tale

i was invited
no, it was insisted
that i join them
and
without argument
i agreed

we spent the next several hours
dancing
i am either gaining a proficiency
in latin dance
or
getting better at making a fool of myself
but i figure
with all the ladies
who have been giving me lessons
i
must have learned something

we retired to my hotel
and
proceeded to make
the strangest combination of
animalistic sex
and tender lovemaking

another thing i have noticed
is that
the women down here
have only the slightest of tan line
generally only a single string line
at the hips

it was actually
rather special as
casual sex goes
and probably for the first time
since leaving seattle
actually felt something
while making love
and
afterwards
while lying pressed against each other
i didn't feel empty
as
i did with the models
draped over my limbs

i think tonight
i may have seen god deviousness

you see
all my life
whatever i have wanted
i have received

like this evening
i merely had to wish it
focus upon it
and i received it

a charmed life to be sure
but
with one fault

whenever i achieved
something worthwhile
it
was taken from me

whenever i gained a
relationship of value
things that truly meant something to me
life
god
fate
would intervene to deprive me

now think me not
in denial, i realize i have
screwed up plenty of good things
my most recent relationship
was a poignant example

she wanted to love me
regardless of my flaws
and
while i had issues
they were quite minor in the scope of things
but
i acted the fool
and walked away from an
amazing thing

what could be
the grand plan
that requires that i be emotionally available
that i am allowed all and any creature comforts
passing endearments and affections
but
starved of those few things that are
truly important?

i ask you
for i haven't the slightest clue

or perhaps
i
am just fucking deluded
yet again

after all i am an asshole extraordinaire

Comments

[zaiah.livejournal.com]

Aha! A point! We come to finally after the last several weeks.

Can you now name and define the things you are starved for that are truly important? (and meaningful?)

You could not on our last speaking.

If asking for what you want gains it..
If listening for the spark of magic/blessing/spiritual connection yields it..
then we still would need to define
what the hell the "it" is
you are searching for?

[luv2ride.livejournal.com]

I can relate
to meaningless sex
and lovemaking with a primal drive behind it.
I too am seeking something I have yet to define.
I too am lost.
I am also a total bitch
and completely screwed up.

[plural.livejournal.com]

that is the funny thing

it was not in the least bit
meaningless

casual absolutely
primal even more so
but
tender
and meaningful
in its own way

and as for being screwed up
well
join the club

and i hope we all find
those etherial things of which
we search

of course the hardest part
is
just defining it

and

you say bitch
like it is a bad thing?

[luv2ride.livejournal.com]

Ok I'd redefine the meaningless
To very meaningful yet quite confusing
Primal, animalistic, tender
Making love and then just having sex
I am lost but I am going to try to enjoy the journey.
Yeah, I guess bitch isn't such a bad thing after all