what the fuck is going on ... or ... so much freaking drama

[plural]

"men die from time to time
and worms eat them
but not for love"

i have been spouting crap
banal and vapid
trite even

i suppose i castigate myself
out of disgust

i have this problem
more than one really
but for now lets just talk about the one

i excel at projecting success
i excel at projecting any damn thing

i am vain
arrogant
elitist
callous
and unconscientious

and that's just
the best parts of me

i love too much to be a man
and hate too much to be a boy

i have trapped myself
in a world of illusions
lies and deceit
layer upon layer of deception

it was born and bred
into me
and i embraced it
and
excelled at it

from my big house
to my ducati
to my salary
to my travels
the liquor i drink
and the women i fuck
all exude
the essence of this image

i am a gray man
unknown and nonexistent
words dancing on a virtual page

perception is my greatest flaw
and strongest weapon

i see into your hearts
read your desires
and
become them

i beg forgiveness from my friends
for i have never allowed you to know me
wall upon wall
illusions built on delusions
but how can i
as i am
eternally a stranger to myself

perfection has exhausted
its charm
in me

"but to me
what is this quintessence of dust?
man delights not me
nor woman neither
yet by your smile you seem to say so"

i took this trip
this journey to find out
something
but have only gone deeper
into decadence

for a while
i thought the way to happiness
was up, towards the light
but i
am too wrapped up in my delusions
too ensconced in my walls
to break free

this leaves me
only one direction
to break free of my self glorified
incarceration

down

when the foundation
is rotten
you must tear it out
and
all that is built on top
also must go

now beyond these words
these thoughts
these condemnations
are actions

actions which i must do
but am unsure of where to start

bacchanalian debauchery aside
where does one start
when uprooting ones life

how do i reach
that deepest of bottom
that i can gouge out
the rot and corruption
in my soul
and
build a new foundation?

how much do i deceive myself

shoveling cocaine
up my nose and
fucking models six ways from Sunday
may be a path to destruction
but
they are not a divergence
from the path i have long followed
merely a more reckless pursuit of it

i am still trapped
in my cycle of perfection
hiding my inadequacies
my fears
behind shimmering nights
of false passion

i used to desire
to create the perfect life
six bedroom house
white picket fence
two point five kids and
half a dog

in my life
i play both the role
of catherine the great
and her advisors

i build pretty little facades
to showboat past and
pat myself on the back
smile and nod
at how damn good i have it

and now
what now

having become sick of that game
i sought to tear it all down
but i have not
i
only now
seek to create the perfect facade
of the
perfect destruction

unsatisfied with sitting
in my throne at the peak
of my tower of babel

i seek to perfect the swan dive
that all might
gaze in wonder and amazement
in the beauty
and divinity
of my
fall from grace

fuck i am such an asshole

Comments

[city-glitter.livejournal.com]

Nevertheless, we like you.

[sickboy.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately I won't speak as eloquently as you but I must remind you that we're all full of shit every once in a while.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. I feel like this sometimes and I beat myself up over it. Everyone tries to show the characteristics which will best display us as the person we want others to see. It happens.
Take it lightly. There's nothing wrong with wanting to straighten some things out but I don't think any of us should ever feel the need to recreate ourselves completely.

You hit points in your life when you realize that perhaps the pursuit of certain things is suddenly less important. It sounds to me like just you realizing some of these things brings to fruition the purpose of your trip.

What I've come to realize in some of these moments is that even though I feel like I've kind of faked my way through, people notice who we are. Think about how many times you've met someone and realized they aren't who they are trying to portray. Those people are not the kinds of people that have friends because no one can get close to them. You on the other hand do have friends. I've seen you write about them.
These people know you.

You are a good guy. You've often offered sound advice to me as well as some stimulating conversation. Tell me that didn't come from you. Perhaps I'm reading what you are writing incorrectly but I just think maybe you are being a bit hard on yourself.

You're on a journey bro, and you are getting to know yourself.

I guess I'm just trying to say, enjoy discovering yourself. Don't make it torture!

[jmichiko.livejournal.com]

you won't stop
until you want to,
which is the beauty
of it all.

and, honestly,
do you want to stop?

[plural.livejournal.com]

honestly?
i know not honesty

i know that
my grand games
bring only
the taste of emptiness
to my mouth

you are correct
on one point
indeliably

want
i must want
to stop
or to continue

and right now
there is nothing
that
i can be bothered
with
to want