but other than that Mrs Lincoln, how was the play.

I've been posting in this journal
as friends only for too long
it depresses me
it stifles me

so

fuck it
I'm not going to do it any more

Sam, if you see this, I'd suggest skipping it
nothing good will come of you reading it
nothing bad will come either
it just not something I intended to share with you
but you will do as you will
and I'll bear you no ill will regardless

of course, that is mostly a matter of pride
my personal cardinal sin
that with which I've always been most afflicted
I rarely allow those I've been close with
to see behind my walls after the fact
but fuck it
see if you wish
ignore if you wish
I do not expect
no
I will not allow it to change anything
either way

but anyway
this is public
because
this space is public to me
and it is how it must remain
otherwise it has little value to me

enough babble
and as they say

once more, into the breach.

anyway
to the post at hand

---

Over the past week

I've told so many friends
so many people in fact

that I was ok
that I was sad but not broken up
over this break up

it simply isn't true

I've joked that you can't break the heart
of a man whose heart is already broken

it simply isn't true

it simply isn't true

years ago
over a decade now

I met a woman who changed my life
changed me
gave me hope
redemption

she died

and my heart was utterly shattered

I spent ten years
slowly putting the pieces back together
well no
that also isn't true

first I spent five years
feeling nothing
ignoring my pain
running away from it
from myself
from everything

the last five years however
were different

I decided to stop running
to take responsibility
to put humpty dumpty back together again

as many of you here know
these past five years
have been troubled for me
in terms of my mind
but
I was making my way through it

as Winston Churchill said

"If you are going through hell, Keep on going"

I had languished there enough
hated myself enough
blamed myself enough

it was time to keep on going

it is bizarre
when I think about it
in retrospect

the quality of my relationships
went down hill after
I stopped running
and starting dealing

the last five years
my relationships have been utterly empty
cheap flings and meaningless distractions
to help me weather the worst parts of the storm

to keep on going

then despite my promise to myself
not to get involved with anyone
in my short time here
not to entangle myself with distractions
from my overall plan

then I met Samantha

and something sparked inside me
for the first time in ten years

She is not Charlotte

Indeed by most reckonings she is nothing like her
I won't get into comparisions as they serve no purpose here
but
suffice it to say it wasn't that I saw her
as another Charlie
but rather
despite the many differences
she represented the same things to me

I've long asserted
my holy trinity

spoken of those thing which I find most attractive
most important in a woman

a woman who possesses strong intellect
chief among them

After ten years
I was ready to give up
to stop searching for
hoping for

another equal
another partner
another friend

and then I met Sam

when we met
my first read was

Wow

my second read

she has issues
but the as good lord knows so do I
I figured it was a fair trade

I saw in her
such potential for a life together

in her I saw
compatible dreams
compatible priorities

so I broke all my rules
I played it fast and loose
put myself out there

I only had a short time to find out
because I had a plan
and
as you all know
my plans are always mutable
but
I had to know first
I had to know her
I had to know us

I had to get to a point
where I could make a decision
in a matter of a few months

if she was what I thought her to be
I would break heaven and earth to make it work

I threw caution to the wind
and my heart with it

while nothing is perfect
and our relationship was no exception
I had my own gripes
and she hers

there was much to become accustomed to
and many compromises to make

I was truly estactic
because she is that woman
or would be
if she was ready to be
but she is not

and I

I am hurting

tremendously

it is my own fault
I do not blame her
hell how could I

sure there is a part of me with some resentment
but it is a petty part
one I give little credence

after all
she is only twenty two
how could I expect her
to be ready
to be willing to dive headlong into something
or someone
in such a short time
the reality is I could not
but I had hoped

perhaps it would have been different
had it not all seemed so rushed

but perhaps not
it matters little

The idea of moving to Brazil seems hollow now
pointless

I think I will put it off for a while
I need to get back to the basics
pick myself up and put myself back together again

It was one thing to move there alone
before I met her
with a patched up heart
ready to start a new life

but now
the promise of a new life seems hollow
with a broken heart

Brazil was to me
the promise of a useful life
the promise of a content life
the promise of a happy life

when I met her
it seemed so much
that she would add to that plan
bring it up a notch
make it better

change it from my plan
to our plan

I worked many years
to get myself to the place
where I was healthy enough to belong there

now
I am not
it is that simple

what I will do
where I will go
I am not sure

I can't remain here
not like this

but I will figure it out
I always do

it is afterall what I was built for
to be the rock in any hard place

I've always been best in crisis
I've always shined when things get tough
I've always been the one who knew what to do

now I don't
but I will
I am just still reeling
that is all

the strangest thing for me
is how much
how strongly I am reeling

from the beginning I was aware of the risks
I had everything mapped out in my mind

good, bad, ugly

Before I asked her to accompany me to Brazil
I asked myself how I would feel

in the best case scenario
and
in the worst case scenario

each step of the way

I paused my thoughts
for a moments reflection
on what I could lose
and what I could gain

and
every time
came up with the same answer

the juice is worth the squeeze

perhaps that is why
I got caught so offguard
why I was blindsided
by how much I hurt

because I didn't see it coming

not the end of the relationship
that was telegraphed a week or more in advance
looking back on it, perhaps even further

I knew I was risking my heart
was risking pain
but I thought I had it gauged
thought I knew how much

I was wrong

perhaps it seems foolish
perhaps it is foolish
that after three months
I could hurt so

what I can offer as a defense
beside that
at her core
she was exactly what I have long been looking for

and what did it matter if I broke the rules
I've always broken all the rules
and it has always worked out for me before

as my sister said
just the other day
to one of her friends

"Everything always works out for my brother"

and this will too

eventually

afterall

I am the king

and

I can do anything

even heal a broken heart

the question now is how
and
how quickly

the only answer I can come up with
is
that which has always worked best for me

trial by fire
to cauterize the wounds
give myself a purpose
something useful to distract myself with

a rock to rebuild upon

right now
I'm leaning towards africa

I've never been
[well actually I have been to africa, twice]
[but I was drunk enough not to remember either occasion]

I'm thinking an adventure
a walkabout
start in the north
walk south

sounds like a heck of time

of course it has it's own dilemmas
like what to do with my cats
the few personal possessions I have left
[I ditched most of them when I left Canada]
of course the possessions are the easier part
as I can just stick them in storage for a year or two

Winston Churchill has long been one of my personal heroes
and
I'm not sure what he would think of my strategy

When in hell, find a worse hell to walk through

and Sam
if you disregarded my earlier warning
and read this anyway

I love you

truly madly deeply

far more than I have any right to

and I always will, even if I should not

I understand
at least as much as you have let me

I wish for you
to reach all of your dreams
and that when you do
they bring you the happiness you hoped for

as for me
when the time comes

I'll be just fine