The Wine Run

We had the end of year
ski patrol party over the weekend
(aka the wine run)
the hill was closed to the public at 5pm
and we had some private time on the slopes
before congregating at the summit
for some drinking and schmoozing

it was good time all in all
and should I still be in Nova Scotia next winter
I look forward to patrolling again.

( the wine run )

The curse of Lady McBeth

There are events in our lives which forever alter us

sometimes it is in our actions
othertimes it is what we observe
but regardless
we are never the same again

I have had too many of these

too many faces haunt my dreams
too many scars upon my soul
entirely too much blood stains these miserable hands

my dreams are a minefield
the distance from a spirit crushing nightmare
never further than a single straying thought

I took my first life at seventeen
I remember looking down at his body
lying on the cold concrete
that halloween night

blood on my hands
blood at my feet
the smell of his vacated bowels
staining my nostrils

in truth I cared nothing for the man, boy, whatever
lying there in a crumpled battered heap

I had no choice in what happened
my hand was the executioner
but the decision was his

and he was a stranger, an unknown
I had never seen him before and would never again
I knew not even his name and never cared to learn it

I did not know then, of course
that his face would remain with me
frozen in death and smeared with blood

the policy inquiry was perfunctory
there was barely a mention in the papers
and being a minor, my name was omitted

my family paid for his funeral
my mother attended incognito

and like that
the whole bloody affair
washed neatly from history

but those brief moments
left me forever altered

everyone tried to console me
but I just smiled pathetically
playing the part I knew was expected

for no one would understand
what really bothered me
what I truly struggled with

death was no stranger to me
I had buried friends
tenderly washed their blood from my hands
stood at their graves face blank without comprehension

no, this was different
what affected me most was how little it affected me
and it was that I struggled to comprehend.

It is the name of god which breathes life into the golem

I am a private person

even within this place
where I share far more than anywhere else

I exercise distinct control
choosing each word with deliberation

It is not what someone knows about me that I fear
but how they will use it
for perhaps unlike most
I have much to lose
and
more importantly
others have much to lose
from my failures

if it were only my price to pay
I would find it much easier
to believe
to share
to trust

while I can risk what is mine
I cannot take risks with what is not

and that is the crux of it

unfortunately people have emotions
too many times have I seen people
betray the trust invested in them
not out of malice
but desperation, emotion, weakness

It is this I fear, not malice
not evil intent
but simply their humanity

and it is that which necessitates my walls
requires me to circle the wagons
on such a constant basis

have you ever made an error
of particularly grievous consequences
but whose consequences were not yours to bear
no matter how much you wish it
you can not take the burden of your error onto yourself
and instead must watch someone else carry it
a situation once done, you cannot rectify
no matter how hard you try?

it is this I worry about
for it is always with me
my failures hurt other people
it is the curse of my birthright

most of my life
I tried to escape this burden
wished that my actions could affect only me
as a young man I stratified my social groups
refusing to allow interaction between them

the idea was to limit the flow of information
to give me a place where I could be myself
without worrying of the consequences to others

it worked well as a young man
but as an adult, it failed miserably
so I altered my strategy
I moved to an unfamiliar place
in order to increase the distance
between my life and my obligations
an attempt to give me some breathing room

it was all folly
we cannot escape who we are
no matter how we try
the cards are dealt
the odds are fixed
the house always wins

but that did not stop me
from trying anyway

in my arrogance I thought I could beat the system
thought I could find a way
to have my cake and eat it too

like all my mistakes
it was someone else who paid the price

for all I talk of loyalty
it was I who committed the grand betrayal

for six months
I lived under an assumed name
apartment, phone, car and job
friends and a girlfriend
all belonging to someone else

a fiction, my tribute to mary shelley
in the naive arrogance of youth
thinking I could do one better.

foolishly believing I could master fiction
create two separate lives, each free of the other
all in the pursuit of happiness and being "myself"

but the weight of that deception I could not bear
especially the guilt of loving a woman
who did not even know my name

finally when I could no longer bear it
I came clean to her, told her of my deception and the reasons for it
it was over between us, what we had
I crushed, debased, destroyed with my lies
but even then, with her eyes torn by tears
her throat choked with rage and sorrow
did I deny her

I performed my duty, upheld my obligation
and inspite of her pleas
I refused her my name
packed my bags and moved on

I've never forgiven myself for her
that single act of cruelty

in the dark of night
sitting alone
I wish I had chosen simply to disappear
or fabricate some illusion to explain my leaving
then vanish into the night
leaving her at least with a bittersweet memory

I suppose at the time, my own sense of honor
felt an obligation to own up to what I had done
to face the music
feel the brunt of her wrath

I should have allowed that frankenstein
to fade quietly away, but I did not

I was selfish
in my guilt, my foolish pride
I did not grant her the only one of my lies
which would not have been selfish
which could give her any comfort

I have no right even to repent
this cruelty
let alone seek forgiveness

I wish I could say I learned from this
found some way to balance my life and obligation
but I have not
I have only learned to make different mistakes

forgoing the grand deception
for the little ones

refusing to admit that my humanity will always take a back seat
to playing that hand which I was dealt

so I repeat the lie in my heart
reserving my cruelty for those I love most

Sin City etc

I saw "Sin City" the other night

I highly recommend it, if you havent seen it

and I have to say
it inspired the strangest thought

I never thought I would hear myself think

"great movie - wish Josh Harnett had a bigger role though"

cause one I dont think much of him as an actor
and two I am not gay

but I really liked his character in Sin City
and felt he nailed it well

speaking of people giving unusually good performances
I thought Mickey Rourke did a good job as well
seemed a good role for him

the rest were about as expected
although I was rather disappointed in rutger hauer
I've always liked him but he felt kinda flat here

the women as expected were bombshells
I liked the way they did it
racy but not over the top
some of the chick were wearing next to nothing, sure
but it wasnt overdone, they were more scenery quickly passed over
than a focus so it added to the feel without becoming excessive

the setting and style were perfect
really let you sink into the mood of the film

definitely one I'll have to pick up on DVD

other than that
not much going on
I got finals starting on thursday
with some evil bastich scheduling one for saturday
but oh well

life happens

anyway it way too late
so I'm off to bed

night night