My next thirty years

been in something of a funk lately maybe its my upcoming birthday as it usually makes me more reflective

I think I've come down with a nasty case of mostly disease

I've mostly done all those things I want
I've mostly travelled all those places I want to travel
I've mostly bought all those toys I lust after
I've mostly slept with all those women I desire

mostly mostly mostly

makes the next big adventure not seem worth the trouble

what value does anything have when you can just have it

poof

its there, its yours

why bother actually having it

I remember years ago being nervous or less assured feeling a bit of a thrill a bit of a risk when I approached a woman

now days it seems like I just look at her and think
yeah I could fuck her but whats the point

some might say it is egotism, narcissism, arrogance and cockiness

but really I think it is depression

not perhaps your garden variety
"woe is me, the world sucks and I'm a victim" depression

because my life by anyone else standards is great
most people would happily toss jabba the huts salad to have a life half as good as mine
hell even by my own standards, I have it pretty good and most of the time I am quite grateful for that

no

I'm depressed for altogether another reason

I miss the struggle, the challenge, the risk, fear and reward

to stand up and do battle with the world, clawing your way to the top, by force of will alone

perhaps it is the greatest testament to the excesses of my ego
that I am not satisfied simply with luxury and contentment

please excuse my bastardization here as it is late
but someone far wiser and far deader than I once said

"The unexamined life is not worth living"

for me, examination is easy, I have a gift for introspection but it alone is not enough

perhaps I would rephrase it

"The unchallenged life is not worth living"

and I fear there are no meaningful challenges left

sure I could climb mount Everest but what is that really

the old "because it is there" justification
middle age men seeking to stroke their egos
importing false importance to an artificial challenge

to me
it seems a lot like sucking your own dick
sure it may get you off and it may be neat because not everyone can do it
but it is no substitute for the real thing and in the end

its pretty fucking pathetic

but what choice do we have
when those challenges which consume the masses
lie conquered at our feet, whimpering in submission

we can either invent empty challenges or waste away in front the TV like the rest of you mindless zombies

run a marathon
climb a mountain
sail around the world
hike the pacific crest trail

blah blah blah

now do not mistake me many of these sounds fun
many of these I might be interested in doing

but what really is the challenge
what really is the risk?

there is a risk sure
and indeed it is a real risk

people die on Everest every year

but it is manufactured

and to me no more than a game
no more exciting than a toss of the dice in a craps game

what I want is real risk
real challenge

to have a purpose and strive towards a result

for real effect

maybe I should just stop slacking and take over the world already
*sigh*

(no subject)

( meme foolishness )

Michigan here I come

so

today

is sandwiched between

yom kippur
and
my birthday

and

I think god is sending me a message

you see I am getting sick

which can only mean one thing


I am so going to hell