Good Faith and Negotiation

I really dislike people, especially when they try to fuck me
you see I pride myself on being a reasonable man, I pride myself on dealing fairly in my business
The ideal result of any business transaction is not for me to scrape every penny from the other person I can
I do not try to get the absolute lowest price, I try to get a fair price from an honest business man

why?

because I want him to make a living that way I know I have a reputable fellow
who wont fuck me over to do business with for the next ten or twenty years

If I had my way I would pay 10% more on every transaction in order to know that the person
I was doing business with was honest and going to be around.

When I do business I am not looking at what I am going to make or save on this specific transaction
but what I am going to make or save on the next thirty years worth of transactions

now a lot of people are short sighted stupid and ignorant or just plain greedy
to them if they can ding you for a dollar even if it isn't necessary they will do it
but what they don't realize is that it fucks with good will and that will come back to bite you in the ass

when a mechanic charges you a 1/2 hour diagnostic fee for some piddly thing
that ends up taking barely a minute to fix, sure, it may be their right
but I am sure as hell not taking my vehicle back there

so what am I babbling about this time
well first my old landlord is a fuck.

in order to get permission to repaint the rooms
I agreed to return them to the original decor when I moved out
if he did not like them and/or felt they made the house less marketable
I invite him over and show him the colors right after I painted the rooms [i.e. a year ago]
and he says he is fine with the living room but the two upstairs bedrooms would probably need to be repainted when I moved out
no biggie I think, it is worth it to me to have my colors how I want them
but I will come back to the painting thing
because yall need some additional background

shortly after that

I hired window cleaners to clean all the windows, lubricate the storm windows [so they could actually be opened]
and open a number of windows which had been painted shut, my cost was about 300$ to have this done
during the process the window cleaner tried to remove an already cracked storm window to clean the window below and it broke
my landlord wanted to charge the window cleaner to replace it, I ended up paying for it out of my pocket because it was bullshit
but you know what really pissed me off about it, the replacement window cost a grand total of 25$
here I am spending 300$ to improve his property and he has to stick me for the added 25$ cost of an already broken window

Now if I had been a penny scraping bastard I would have forced to him to replace the window from the get go
under the terms of the lease a broken or cracked window is a maintenance issue
but I wasn't worried about it as it was a fairly minor crack and why be a fucking prick about it was my line of thinking

now over the next year several minor things happened to the house which weren't crucial
but legally he was obligated under the lease to fix

for example the hot water didn't work to the washer
now I send my laundry out to be cleaned so only having cold wash water for my one off loads didn't bother me

so yeah I could have stuck it to him and made him fix it but it wasn't hurting me so I wasn't worried about it
again why be a prick about it

so now it comes to move out time and he starts being a prick

which is fine you have the right to be but what it means is you lose the benefit of my generosity and good will
you start pulling lawyerly bullshit and I step back let my attorney make all the decisions
and do only exact that which I am obligated to do under the terms of the agreement

which I can guarantee you is less than I would have done if it was handled on a congenial basis
and, I am going to stop letting things slide and hold you to your part of the agreement
so my landlord being a prick ended up costing him a grand
when my lawyer brings up the issue of the various items which
I had reported in writing as requiring maintenance, none of which had been fixed
of course my landlord being a lawyer himself
should have known that as the tenant, I have no other obligation after notifying him in writing
either he fixes it, or he is in breech of contract and
I can pretty much fuck him for it whenever I decide to bother

and well so when he decided to be a prick, I decided to bother

so anyway my landlord figures it makes a great marketing ploy
to tell prospective tenants that since I am repainting the rooms anyway
they can pick custom colors

and he now decides even though he had said otherwise before
that it is in his best interest to include the living room

now were we still being congenial that'd be fine but things had to get fucked
so now it is letter of the agreement time

our agreement was simple either you like it or I restore it to how it was
not "I provide a free interior design clinic for your next tenants"

in other words he had already said I didn't have to repaint it
but since he could stick me for it and he thought it might be attractive to a new tenant
why not fuck me over since it didn't cost him anything

sure I could legally argue that he had created an agreement that I would not have to repaint the living room
and since the original agreement with regard to painting was verbal
it would be a bitch in court for him to get a dime from me

but that isn't how I do business

I don't want to be involved in a pissing match where I am justifying my not doing what I was supposed to do
because someone else didn't live up to their part.

I prefer to be able to stand up in the court, whether of law or public opinion
and prove that I did everything I was legally obligated to do without any excuses or bullshit

so while I was grumbling about repainting the living room
[which alone would cost twice as much as the two upstairs bedrooms combined to paint]

I was still going to do it.

so then the new tenants show up they want to see the paint colors and see what they want to do
also one of them had not seen the house yet, so I was happy to give them the tour.
but then they go and bust out color wheels and stuff and spend two hours wandering around my house

if I was selling the house I wouldn't mind as it would be in my best interest to humor them
but I am only giving them access to the property at all out of my own kindness
because I have every legal right to tell them to fuck off
[my lease does not obligate me to allow the landlord to show the premises]
[while I am occupying it, besides they had already signed the lease]

If they had come spent twenty minutes looking at the house and gone on their merry way
I would have been fine but to camp out in the living room and play interior designer

that was just too much

and I was already touchy on the whole paint subject as it was

so then they are finally leaving and one of the two women who will be moving in
[mother, her daughter and grandson]
asks me when I will be vacating the premise

"August 31st" I reply

the woman makes a face and asks me if I might be able to be out sooner
because if the movers didn't move her on Aug26th then they wouldn't be able to until the 3rd week of September

now were I not getting fucked here and had they not spent two hours getting on my fucking nerves
I might have been interested in seeing what I could do
but I also wasn't wanting to burn any bridges so I just said
"well, at the moment I am still waiting for final dates from my movers
so at least for the time being, I cant guarantee anything"
in my mind however I am like

"why the fuck should I?"

well I got my movers scheduled for this weekend so all is good there

and then something occurs to me ...

what would that be you ask?

give and take baby give and take

ok

so you want me to vacate the property a week early to accommodate you
even though I have already paid 200$ for that particular week
[one week at 800$ per month]

what do I get out of it? so I thought, what do I want?

well

I don't want to have to deal with all this painting crap

so

this morning when the lady called me to ask when I had the movers scheduled and if I would be able to help them out

I said "Yes, I should be able to be out by then but its going to be a rush job to do it and I will need all of that time to move out so I wont be able to get to the painters in that soon"

i.e. a nice way of saying, I can accommodate your request, but if I do I don't want to do the fucking painting

of course she doesn't get it and replies

"Oh, that's ok, you can have them come in once we move in"

which would mean
I'd be paying for a painter to paint while their crap was in there
instead of when the house had been emptied of my stuff and vacant
and visions of them suing me because my painter guy
[a retiree @ 10$ an hour under the table, they wouldn't go after him]
who vastly improved the design of their fugly ass furniture with a bucket of white paint

so I reply

"No, once I am out of the house, I want be finished with it, and turn my focus on my new house"

or a nice way of saying "Not fucking likely"

so she thinks for a second and comes back with

"That makes sense, of course, there really isn't that much painting, Couldn't you get it done and still be out by [date]"

or a pathetic wormy way to say

"Cant you just bend over and let me go to town on your ass cause I am a greedy bitch?"

so yeah
I realized I had to draw the lady a picture
and replied

"Actually, If I am going to accommodate you by moving my schedule around and rushing to be out of the house a week earlier than planned, then I just don't want to worry about the painting at all. You know sort of give and take here."

she got that and said she would have to talk with her daughter and call me back

so she does

two hours later she calls me back
interrupting a perfectly good wank I was indulging in to blow off some steam

and says

"how about we give you 150$ to move out and you still do the painting"

It took every ounce of my innately bred civility and class to keep from screaming

"Are you fucking retarded you stupid dribbling cunt, the rent for the time you want me to vacate comes to 200$
painting the three rooms is going to be 400$ and you are going to offer me 150$
oh wait, I got it wrong you aren't retarded, you are just greedy, but you must just think I am retarded"

and instead casually replied

"oh it isn't the money, its more that right now I can take my time about moving out and not have to stress myself, and if I am going to rush and move my life schedule around to accommodate you, then I would rather just not have the added stress of dealing with the painting"

again she has to call her daughter back

I briefly consider going back to my wank but realize that would be hopeless and go downstairs to see about lunch
I get my lunch made and have just started drooling over my steaming plate of lunch yummys
when you guessed it she calls back

your child molesting uncle sneaking into your room at three am the night before freshman prom
has better timing than this lady

so I sigh put down my plate of food and answer the phone
and
finally she seems to understand the situation and fairly resentfully says

"ok, you are off the hook for the painting"

I say "Excellent, I will make sure I am out by the 25th then, and if you can call the landlord and inform him of our arrangement"

she agrees to and I sense a "but" coming and never a disappointment this chick
she busts out with "do you think you could possibly be out a day or two even sooner than that"

I am thinking

Check out the balls on this chick
I know elephants that would be intimidated by the size of her Johnson
Jesus didn't have this much Chutzpah, and he claimed to be the son of god
[for christ's sake]

I smile and say
"Well at this point, I cannot guarantee that as it will depend some on the movers"
"but if you give me a call on Sunday, I should have a better idea if that is possible"

why did I say this?

instead of just telling her to fuck off?
[even if I did it nicely]

Well, because the way I figure there might be something else I want and that gives me a bargaining chip

and since I will be completely moved out by Sunday
[the 22nd, yeah I can be a bastard too]
I should have a pretty good idea then
what I will take in exchange

so yeah the moral of the story

Don't try to fuck someone with your ass hanging in the breeze
[especially when they have a bigger dick]

Job Negotiation ... or ... How to get respect in corporate America

Chutzpah is the name of the game

The more you ask for
The more they think you are worth

Its a great scam

Next time you go to a job interview
have this typed up and hand it to them
when they ask for your salary requirements

( Compensation Requirements )