walking away

it is what
I have decided to do
part of me doesn't like it
but
given the whole picture
and
there is much I haven't shared here
mostly because it isn't mine to share

it just seems to make the most sense
tomorrow night
I have been invited to a party
so
I will just move on with life
find a lil floozie to distract me

god knows I have walked away from
more than this
without looking back before

sometimes
its just what you have to do
I suppose in a way
I am just not used to be one
not making the decision

ah well

ce la vie

in a way
she came into my life
at a time when I really needed
companionship of that variety
to not feel alone

so rather than making a mess of this
I think I will just be thankful
for her having been there
when I really needed her
and let her go in peace

not sure if I can do the friends thing
at least not for a while
seeing as
we have way too much chemistry

just being near her
smelling her
gives me an erection

I think it would just be
too confusing for both of us
[or at least me anyway]

so

with a wave and a smile

and one foot in front of the other

I walk on

Called Bullshit

a dear friend of mine
called bullshit on my last post

and of course
she is right

is it my bullshit
yeah some of it
some of it is
her [i.e. the redheads]

but really I don't see
what other healthy direction
I can go

several of my friends
have also made very good points
about how much trouble
is it worth

I mean
I dated her for three weeks
and yeah it was great
but
all things considered
I think charging the gates
would be lose/lose here

I suppose my last post
was as much about salvaging
a positive outlook on something
which is something of a disappointment to me
but which I don't see myself as willing or able
to do much about

I am not willing or able
to declare my love for this girl
so what argument can I make
to put aside her fears and worries
to justify the increase in stress and turbulence
in her family life

not much
bout the best I can do is

"I really enjoy your company, and see a potential for something more coming from this"

which given the circumstances
doesn't even really cut it for me
let alone come close to be a persuasive argument for her

first she is a little worried about not being over her last relationship
a little worried about getting hurt
and within that I think is this thought haunting her mind
that somehow she isn't good enough for me
or not what I want
or to put it simply
she sees my ex girlfriends
and doesn't identify herself as their equal
so she worries that I might wake up and walk away

next
her family hates me
and I made the mistake of following her lead on this
figuring in a casual relationship it didn't seem as appropriate
to step in and smooth things out
but she, and by extension, I, totally botched the handling of the parents
pretty much I think the only way to salvage that
would be to have a sit down dinner
and/or proclaim our love
which I am not ready or willing to do

and lastly
all this is pushed up against
the time barrier
as in a few months
her parents are moving to Halifax
and pretty much the only reason she would stay
is if our relationship had reached a point where it would make sense
for her to do so

so then I have to ask myself
do I see it progressing to a point
where I could see us moving in together
in three months

from my prospective
on a strictly emotional basis
it is a possibility
however I have some reservations
when other basis's are considered

for example the common law marriage statutes up here
can kick into effect with as little as six months cohabitation
and are generally set at one year

while I want to get married some day
I do not want it happening by default
especially so soon

so I would probably want her to get her own place here
which rather defeats the point of why she has been living at home
in the first place
to have cheap rent so she can get her college loans paid off
and qualify for more in order to continue her schooling


so when I say I understand her reasons
for not wanting to get herself emotionally involved
I truly do

while part of me would also like to say fuck it
lets just go for it
I can completely understand her reticence
and what I decided last night
is that I am not willing or able
to make the commitments or even the statements
which would even make a hail mary attempt
worthwhile

am I doing the right thing?

I haven't a clue

but looking at the situation
and what I am honestly able to offer
I do not see much
to justify dragging this out any longer

to a certain extent
to do so seems to me extremely selfish
as I do not have any negative ramifications to continuing the relationship
and risk only a wounded heart

where as for her, every time we get together
strains her relationship with her family
and creates disharmony in their home

which I think
maybe if they were not moving
could be something we could get past
but to do so
for a relationship that in all likelihood
will end in a few months
seems callous and selfish to me

but that's just my nickel
maybe I am missing something
or looking at it the wrong way

how bout yall enlighten me for a change

*grin*