Modern Life

"He is a horrible speller, it is difficult to talk to him"

On Domestic Violence

I have never hit a woman in my life
save for the confines of a sparring session
while studying martial arts.
and a misguided attempt to defend myself
from my older sister
using a squeezable plastic ketchup bottle
when I was nine

However, I have been cold cocked with a frying pan
had plates, knives and a variety of other unfriendly objects
thrown at me.

I have been physically assaulted at some point
by the larger majority of the woman I have dated.
[granted save for the frying pan incident]
[none managed to cause any real harm]

I have personally found that women resort to
what I would call simple violence much quicker then men
because of the lack of consequences for women for their actions.

I also have to admit,
that while I have never hit a woman,
I have come very very close in several situations.

The first of these was the worst
it started with a heated argument,
we were arguing about work if I recall
my work
specifically my working late

It started with her complaining that I didn't help her with the housework

to which I responded

"Why are you doing any of it, I don't pay for a maid to have you scrubbing toilets"

she was one of those women
who could never start out arguing about
whatever was really bothering her

instead she had to pick a subject
which she was sure to win
then carry that victory on into her intended subject

Young, and immature perhaps
but we were both so
and this is no happy tale of maturity and harmony

The argument progressed into her accusing me
of staying at work because I didn't want to see her
or because I didn't love her
or because I was having an affair

I was feeling attacked and defensive
it was five o'clock on a Sunday afternoon
I had taken Friday off and not gone into work all weekend
to give us some quality time

I couldn't figure out where this was coming from
all this anger and accusations
why it had even come up at all
We had just had this great weekend together
full of good times, fabulous sex and delicious foods
and boom
from way out of left field
hiding under the bleachers

she blind sides me with a sudden fury

I don't remember what set her off
probably because I didn't recognize the spark point

looking back I can see that
it was the pressure of returning to
what was for her a very unhappy and lonely life
waiting for me to come home

Where I was in the moment
the time we were spending together
she was already beginning to dread
that toll of the bell
that signal
of another week
left alone

Of course
I was also young and foolish
immature and pigheaded

I had no understanding of what her
worries, pains and fears were
instead I responded to her accusations
responded defensively

the argument escalated quickly
towards a fiery impasse
that is when it happened

desperate to express her pain
frustrated at the impasse
we both knew to be coming

it was
in reflection
a pitiful attack of
utter helplessness

but
it brought out something incredibly primal
a shift to instinct
an attack mode of tremendous ferocity

it was an overwhelming and powerful emotional response.
one for which I was entirely unprepared

She came at me,
she started hitting me
and I snapped,
in that fraction of a second,
I grabbed her arms
pinned them against her torso
as I lifted her up in front of me
her legs dangling free below her

I raged beyond fierce
saying something close to

"You don't ever get to hit me Do you understand me You don't fucking ever get to hit me"

I was not aware
that I was shaking her like a rag doll
while I said this
as my entire body was shaking
pumped with a murderous and primal rage

I really don't know what would have happened
had she not collapsed

mind

body

and spirit

with only my seething violence to hold her up

but watching her crumble into a quivering tearful mess

seeing her mind flee the situation
literally shut down
unable to cope with what was happening

this snapped me out of it

the rage and violence vanished
one swift second later
left me eviscerated
my chest hollow
my intestines torn out
wrapped around my neck
strangling me
so that I could hardly breathe
choking on tears

holding her whimpering form
in my arms
like a parent
who accidentally shot their only child

praying for anything to take away
that sick feeling inside

that which you would give your very life to undo

impotent and waiting for some savior
to make this wrong
right again
and wash away your sin

I honestly do not know
if I had the barest fringe of control
during those few seconds.

I think that I must have
simply because I retained some faculty of words
and because that incredible violence
was not unleashed to do it's worst

Those few blows
the response it provoked
destroyed that relationship

Since that day
every time she looks at me
I can see the fear in her eyes

It tears me apart
I felt like a horrible brute of a man
our relationship festered for several months
and
I was forced to watch her wither
under the weight of her fear

an unholy fear
which simply cannot exist
in a loving relationship

I have felt that same rage again since that day,
[each time the circumstances were almost identical]
but never again will I let it surface or gain the slightest bit of control.

I am forever haunted
by the look of fear
of terror
of utter defeat
which replaced
who she was
and
how she saw me

In her heart
I was no longer a man

In her eyes
a monster

How do you protect her?
How do you make her feel safe?
When it is you she is afraid of?

I do not think I have ever felt
so entirely worthless

so much the failure

Fuck the snow

I am going
to spend the rest of the day
in 'cuzzi jets

frothing and stuff