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so little time
so much to do
so little brains

mind has been a
whirlwind of thoughts
and activity since i got back

going through a bit of
stimulation overload

trying to fit in visits
with many people
especially as i didn't
get around to saying many
good byes

my sailing course
was cancelled and
i need to fill the time
fifty days in all
i think i might have
about two weeks covered

thinking about
either shipping my bike
or buying/renting a new one
and
doing a european road trip
or
something

been very lonely
perhaps lonesome is
a better word
or
maybe neither works
don't really know how to
describe it

spent a lot of time
with myself
and don't feel
comfortable in my own skin

but maybe that's
what i need
to be uncomfortable there
for a while

breathe in
breathe out
repeat until
it feels natural

one of the things
which accompanies
a period of introspection
is looking behind us
at where we have been
and what we have done

my past is an unpleasant path
with too many painful memories
dredging them up has not
been fun

unfortunately
i am learning that
my past wont lay quietly
my ghosts have speeches to make
and book tours to schedule

fuck me
ever wish you could just say
ok
this has hurt enough
cant i just stop needing to
deal with it now

put it on a shelf
and be done with it

the chasm in my soul
grows ever larger
and i
i keep waiting for
time to heal my wounds
but they
fester still

i feel like a
huge festering blister
filled with vile secretions
ready to burst

i have carefully constructed
an identity
one that can function
and
layered it over
my outermost skin

smiles jokes charm

anything to avoid
looking behind me