Oy, have a little bitterness with your baggage

bitterness?
two lumps please

I have baggage
plenty of it
though I do
not carry it with me

my baggage
sits quietly aside
safely stowed in
the overhead compartment
or tucked below the
seat in front of me

and should I
get settled somewhere
it is displayed
in my walk in closet
a shrine to remember

my closest companion
is death herself

no other has
accompanied me
so faithfully through
these many years

a lover
she has been
albeit a poor one

my dearest desire
is to be judged
for my sins

for in god's face
will I spit my
venom

when all is finished
and my sins
accounted for
page
after page

will I
recount
all that I have lost
and insist that
his just court
ignore it all
and sentence me
without justice

I want not his justice
nor his mercy
nor can any hell
be worse than
what I live in
day by day

at thirteen,
childhood lost when
I was given a choice
between a half life
of diminished capacity
or no life at all
I chose death

and it seems
in a mockery of
my decision

our lord
and saviour
has applied my choice
not to me
instead insisting I live
while all that I love
is basely crushed

the more
I tempted
the angel of death
the more I lost
those I love

as young man
I had nine brothers
those whom I counted
as of my flesh
as of my blood

and for that privilege
they paid with blood
and lives

Chris was the first
he died in my arms
in a pool of blood
from self-inflicted wounds
leaving behind
only a pictograph of
desperation
drawn in his blood

Then it was
Xavier, run
down by a
careless driver
and left
to die in the street

James
and Charles
died of
drug overdoses
with a month of
each other

Tom
might as well have,
he is the only other
survivor,
if you can call it that,
was made into a vegetable
unable to complete
sentences, of course
god's mercy only
lasts so long
and now as he recovers
to suffer the loss
of years and absent life

Nik died at my side
suffered a gunshot wound
to the head
I suppose suffered is
the wrong word
he was dead before
I could wipe his
blood and brains from
my eyes and pull him
into my arms

Jimmy or the
other James,
new york jimmy
as we called him
thought he could fly
and
nine stories
later,
learned differently

and Max
was never found
just his car
abandoned
with his
blood decorating
the window
a testament
to whomever he
offended

and lastly
sweet Noah
the only innocent
among a band
of devils

where each of us
earned our fate
and with
dispatch was it
delivered

Noah paid
in inches
and days
withering away
to nothing
devoured
by cancer

I suppose it is only
fitting that he
receive the
only natural death
among us

violent deaths
wasted lives
our merry band
of misguided angels

and the
jewel in my crown
of suffering
my saviour
Charlotte

a purer heart
I have never known
to say that I was
unworthy of her
would only tarnish
her by even holding
me in comparison

this trick the devil pulled

by opening her eyes
to whatever she
saw in me
and loved

in but a few short months
she changed me
from beast to man
and set a foundation
for life
that I can even now
not waver from
in my darkest hour

and early one summer morn
god glanced aside
and noticed our love
realizing the devil's trick
rectified it

I spent three hours
helpless
watching her faded
corpse without dignity
as they struggled
to revive her
the hand shaped bruises
on her chest from
frantic efforts

god plays with lives
and in the end
it is all a question
of degrees
for had the water
been three degrees colder
she would have
lived.

I lost love

in my grief
I begged the sea
and the god above it
to take me from
my broken husk
set me free
of my mortal coil
even hell
would be
a kinder place

god turned his
eyes from
my tears

our merry band of fallen angels

O captain my captain

my captain
was
Nik
who had the charm
would sell you what was
already yours and
glad you would be
for having taken
such advantage of him

Jimmy was the lover
NYC slick as ice
his eyes put old women
through menopause in
reverse

Tom was the jester
who never failed
to make us smile
ensuring
we were
always
in on our own joke

Chris was the poet
who saw the world
as we were unable

Xavier
was the devils dream,
nothing would he not do,
for love or money

James and Charles
were lovers unrecognized
and in the end undiscovered
inseparable and
of one
mind

Max was the flake
but completely endearing
his false innocence
fooled even the most
hawkish of mothers
but in the end
he could not
pay his debts

Noah was the fighter
on stands of principle
or for cause of loyalty
with seven casts of angels
would he watch your back

and I
with out Nik's charm
or Jimmy's looks
Tom's humor
or Chris's poetry
Xavier was
far more daring
and James and Charles
knew more of love
Max was more endearing
and Noah more just and courageous

I

was
the schemer
the architect of our
grand designs
and as such

also the keeper
of the blueprints
to our souls

for while my merry
boys have
gone before

In
my heart
a piece
of each
lives on

now
and
forever

A Dream of a nice Jewish girl, shared for the benefit of my dear pb but not for j

I was
with bicycle
in hand fitting
it onto the rack
of a sea blue
Porsche boxter
my brother assists me
a vibrant green voyager
is parked behind the Porsche
somehow I am responsible
for getting both vehicles
downtown

my brother and I discuss
this and he
offers to help
at the last minute
he decides
he doesn't wish to
deal with traffic
and will just ride his
bicycle downtown
on his own
leaving me
with quite a
dilemma

the dream fades out
and back

and I am in
a mcdonalds
with my brother
and my nephew
my brother offers me fries
they are of the steak cut variety
I accept a few and munch away
at which point it hits me

what the hell
is my brother
doing eating
in a mcdonalds

for those who don't know
my brother is a very orthodox Jew
and would never even stop
in a mcdonalds to get a drink
for fear that he might give
someone else the impression
that it is kosher
and that they make the mistake of
eating traife (not-kosher) food
because of that

then I notice
the mcdonalds
is full of black hat wearing
orthodox Jews

at this point
I must inquire
and am informed
that the mcdonalds
is owned by a Jew
and is certified kosher

if wonders will never cease
among these
black hatters
a young woman
of surpassing beauty
with braids in her hair
not little girl braids
more like flower-child braids
honey blonde hair
and blue-grey eyes like the rain

we speak briefly
and blissfully

my brother introduces
me to several of the
other men around
including her brother
whom she is sitting next to.
her brother does me
the kindness of a formal
introduction.

a weird note
perhaps I was struck by her
beauty, but I could not
remember a thing
we had talked about
upon meeting her
when we were re-introduced

his family
extended as most
very orthodox families are
had an entire corner area
of the restaurant (as much as I hate to call it so)
divided off for themselves
with wives, husbands and babes

I spent some time
talking with her
and her brother
mostly to be polite
it was her I was fascinated with
when I felt
this strange
magnetism
slowly but surely
pulling me towards her
at first I though it
was just my waxing heart
but surely no
I felt it in my feet
and it grew in strength

I commented upon it
as it was becoming obvious
that I was leaning back to
counter act it pull
and she laughed
thinking me all the fool
I am sure

I wiggled my feet
and moved my legs
to examine the effect
of this strange pull

and as it grew stronger
and her look grew
even more curious
I simply smiled
and said
watch
leaning back
and bring my feet to a plane
I skidded rapidly
past (nearly missing) her
towards the corner of the room
in a way that could not be
self propelled.

I almost fell
so sharp was the
release of this mysterious force

I set to investigate
and immediately
noticed the familiar
wires and boxes
of a tinkerer

I cataloged the components
made a smiling remark
in approval of
the redundant power arrays

her brother smiled
and explained the
rest of the system to me

she laughed
as she had been
in on the joke
but not at me

we spoke for a few
minutes more
before she
excused herself
and left

I hesitated
not being recently familiar
with the courting rituals
of the orthodox and
not wishing to start off
on the wrong foot

so I asked my new friend
(her brother)
what protocol would be?
he said
well generally
one would determine
if the lady is interested first,
do you know if she is interested?
(being coy)
well I must admit
I replied I do not
but I could ask her brother
and gain his valuable insight
(right back atcha)

smiling he replied
well I would say
she is at least curious
for she made herself
at least 10 minutes late
staying to talk with you.

so then my new found friend
what is the next step

well he replied
getting permission
to marry her
would be most difficult
and would require
much to satisfy her
father.


I wish I could relay
what I did next
and what steps I took
but in truth I woke up
perhaps
as not to waste
any
time

I find it particularly interesting
perhaps it relates to my complete ignorance of courting rituals
among the orthodox that my mind would
make the jump from interest to marriage

ah well, I thought it peculiar in any regards