on men and women
Apr. 5th, 2002 06:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pluralhad a fascinating discussion
on men women and interrelations between the sexes
still have a little
to sort out
but as i am heading off
for a bacchanalian event
i don't want to leave my revelations
in
some empty bottle or another
so
with the disclaimer that
this is not a fully thought out concept
[meaning it may well be full of holes and complete bullshit or both]
i shall proceed
and of course my standard disclaimer
i am speaking from my observations
not for every damn man out there
so you wannabe sensitive type pansies
who are so busy being in touch with your feminine side
that you ignore or devalue your masculine side
can shut up, yes we realize you are special
the discussion arose
out of the question
what does a woman need to feel that her man loves her
i thought about the differences between
what men do to show their love
to their girlfriends/spouses/mistresses/hookers etc
and
what women want them to do
my thesis is this
Women want continuous small shows of love and affection
little acts to remind them often that they are loved
Men seek to create shining pillars in tribute to their loves
to create gigantic statues to their loves
[and show off what great lovers they are]
when a man, thinks of something romantic to do for his love
he plans and plots an immense complicated ritual
three thousand candles illuminating the room
flower petals dressing the bed or some thing similar
if love is a bucket of water
which without tending will evaporate at a constant rate
the woman desires the bucket always to be brimming over the top
checks the level of the water frequently
and desires that whenever it less to be immediately refilled
the idea that many frequent small acts of love
will keep always keep the bucket full
the man doesn't check the bucket everyday
or even every week, he assumes that the bucket is fine
and because the rate of evaporation is fixed
why fill it every day when you can do it once a week
and the bucket will never be empty
the man seeks to do a large romantic and loving act
on occasion
to refill the bucket
this could be attributed to laziness
or to lack of caring but i think it is
false to do so
men are trained
to look at the big picture
to ignore little things that aren't important
we make frequent decisions
[usually ones that piss off our women]
that this or that isn't really important
and disregard it
men tend to take things
at face value
women look at what the meaning is
a man goes out with his buddies for some drinks
comes home late
in his thinking
it is no big deal
he was out with his friends
having fun
things went a little late
women
[the standard disclaimer applies to you girls too]
look for meaning in this act
there isn't any
does it mean he doesn't respect you
or love you
because he said he would be home at 10 and didn't get home till 12
no
then women look further
he said he would be home at ten and wasn't
does that mean he is untrustworthy?
he also said he would love me forever and never cheat
what value does his word have?
i am not trying to paint women
as co dependant here
but the thought process is different
and that is what i am trying to illuminate on
to a man
it is a couple of hours
nothing more
what can that matter in the scope of things
to a woman
she looks beyond the surface
to find the meaning
what does this act mean to our relationship?
i can not count the number of times
i inadvertently hurt a woman i was dating
she asked me why i did a specific thing
and i had no reason
to me the decision which resulted in hurting her,
seemed to have no impact on life
to be irrelevant, so i gave it little consideration
i once made the mistake
of saying that i didn't think about it
it didn't seem important
so it didn't matter
this was not the right thing to say
to a wounded woman
she was justifiably pissed
because what she just heard
was
"your feelings don't matter so i didn't bother thinking about them"
what i was saying however was not that at all
i was saying that on the surface
i didn't see anyway the decision could affect my life
so i didn't think about it any further
eeny meeny miny mo
made a choice and went with it
i make thousands of decisions each day
[everyone does]
i look at each one briefly
look for potential effects particularly negative ones
and make a decision based on that analysis
if it seems to have significant effects
i give it significant energy to make the right decision
if it does not
i don't waste my time
i have trained myself to move forward
independently and with will
i concentrate my willpower and energy
on what i think will really matter in the long run
[with regards to decisions]
[am not saying that i don't live a frivolous lifestyle]
i spend all my time
ignoring all the little things in my life
to focus on what is really important
and
a woman comes along
and what is important to her
is that all the little things in life
correspond with the big things
that are important to her
to me little inconsistencies are irrelevant
to her they are threatening
in one of my relationships
the woman i was dating
cooked dinner for me every night
when i got home
dinner was ready
every night
this caused two problems
one
i have never had a reliable time of departure from work
some days i am home at six some days at nine
and i almost never am able to tell when
i can understand the frustration here
she puts a lot of effort into cooking dinner for me
and wants it to be the best it can be
and that is very difficult when she doesn't know when
i will be home
or i keep being delayed longer at the office
after several fights
we came to a compromise
i would call when i was leaving the office
and help her with whatever was left to do
when i got home
and we could then eat together
personally i liked it better than before
because i enjoy cooking and
it was nice to share the activity
[even if she did almost all the work in advance]
the second issue which arose
from this situation was far more difficult
you see, i am a fickle eater
i am not picky but fickle
there are very few things
that i choose not to eat
[there are many that for religious reasons]
[i do not eat but i do not count that as my being picky]
[but rather god being picky]
for example
i have never packed a lunch anywhere
on a regular basis
[which was another argument with]
[this particular girlfriend who wanted to]
[make a lunch for me to take to work]
[and i refused]
i never know what i am going to want to eat for lunch
and invariably it isn't whatever is in my lunch box
to me having the freedom to choose
whatever my whim desires for lunch
is important
but the fickle problem goes deeper
i like certain foods this week
despise them the next week
and love them again the week after
i realize this is my problem
and most unpleasant for someone attempting to make a schedule of meals
she would say to me
"i was thinking of making beef wellington for dinner tomorrow
how does that sound"
and i would reply
"ehh not so good
i am not a big fan of spinach"
to which she would scream and
point to the huge bag of spinach
in the fridge that i had bought three days earlier
and had myself made a fabulous spinach salad
you see my problem was also one of communication
what i meant to say
is
"i am not a big fan of spinach today, ask me tomorrow"
she insisted that this had to change
and i recognized her point and that the problem was completely my fault
but i refused to change
or more accurately i refused to stop changing
i didn't feel that i had to be consistent
it is just food after all
why not let my whims take me where they will
to her this was threatening
as if i could love spinach one day
and not the next
then could i love her one day
and not the next?
the difference was scale
to me
food is a little thing
what i eat is mostly irrelevant
as long as i enjoy it and i am satisfied
where as
love is far more important
and i would make not make a decision so lightly
the argument ended
with me stating my position as follows
"I reserve the right
to be inconsistent in all things
except loving you"
on men women and interrelations between the sexes
still have a little
to sort out
but as i am heading off
for a bacchanalian event
i don't want to leave my revelations
in
some empty bottle or another
so
with the disclaimer that
this is not a fully thought out concept
[meaning it may well be full of holes and complete bullshit or both]
i shall proceed
and of course my standard disclaimer
i am speaking from my observations
not for every damn man out there
so you wannabe sensitive type pansies
who are so busy being in touch with your feminine side
that you ignore or devalue your masculine side
can shut up, yes we realize you are special
the discussion arose
out of the question
what does a woman need to feel that her man loves her
i thought about the differences between
what men do to show their love
to their girlfriends/spouses/mistresses/hookers etc
and
what women want them to do
my thesis is this
Women want continuous small shows of love and affection
little acts to remind them often that they are loved
Men seek to create shining pillars in tribute to their loves
to create gigantic statues to their loves
[and show off what great lovers they are]
when a man, thinks of something romantic to do for his love
he plans and plots an immense complicated ritual
three thousand candles illuminating the room
flower petals dressing the bed or some thing similar
if love is a bucket of water
which without tending will evaporate at a constant rate
the woman desires the bucket always to be brimming over the top
checks the level of the water frequently
and desires that whenever it less to be immediately refilled
the idea that many frequent small acts of love
will keep always keep the bucket full
the man doesn't check the bucket everyday
or even every week, he assumes that the bucket is fine
and because the rate of evaporation is fixed
why fill it every day when you can do it once a week
and the bucket will never be empty
the man seeks to do a large romantic and loving act
on occasion
to refill the bucket
this could be attributed to laziness
or to lack of caring but i think it is
false to do so
men are trained
to look at the big picture
to ignore little things that aren't important
we make frequent decisions
[usually ones that piss off our women]
that this or that isn't really important
and disregard it
men tend to take things
at face value
women look at what the meaning is
a man goes out with his buddies for some drinks
comes home late
in his thinking
it is no big deal
he was out with his friends
having fun
things went a little late
women
[the standard disclaimer applies to you girls too]
look for meaning in this act
there isn't any
does it mean he doesn't respect you
or love you
because he said he would be home at 10 and didn't get home till 12
no
then women look further
he said he would be home at ten and wasn't
does that mean he is untrustworthy?
he also said he would love me forever and never cheat
what value does his word have?
i am not trying to paint women
as co dependant here
but the thought process is different
and that is what i am trying to illuminate on
to a man
it is a couple of hours
nothing more
what can that matter in the scope of things
to a woman
she looks beyond the surface
to find the meaning
what does this act mean to our relationship?
i can not count the number of times
i inadvertently hurt a woman i was dating
she asked me why i did a specific thing
and i had no reason
to me the decision which resulted in hurting her,
seemed to have no impact on life
to be irrelevant, so i gave it little consideration
i once made the mistake
of saying that i didn't think about it
it didn't seem important
so it didn't matter
this was not the right thing to say
to a wounded woman
she was justifiably pissed
because what she just heard
was
"your feelings don't matter so i didn't bother thinking about them"
what i was saying however was not that at all
i was saying that on the surface
i didn't see anyway the decision could affect my life
so i didn't think about it any further
eeny meeny miny mo
made a choice and went with it
i make thousands of decisions each day
[everyone does]
i look at each one briefly
look for potential effects particularly negative ones
and make a decision based on that analysis
if it seems to have significant effects
i give it significant energy to make the right decision
if it does not
i don't waste my time
i have trained myself to move forward
independently and with will
i concentrate my willpower and energy
on what i think will really matter in the long run
[with regards to decisions]
[am not saying that i don't live a frivolous lifestyle]
i spend all my time
ignoring all the little things in my life
to focus on what is really important
and
a woman comes along
and what is important to her
is that all the little things in life
correspond with the big things
that are important to her
to me little inconsistencies are irrelevant
to her they are threatening
in one of my relationships
the woman i was dating
cooked dinner for me every night
when i got home
dinner was ready
every night
this caused two problems
one
i have never had a reliable time of departure from work
some days i am home at six some days at nine
and i almost never am able to tell when
i can understand the frustration here
she puts a lot of effort into cooking dinner for me
and wants it to be the best it can be
and that is very difficult when she doesn't know when
i will be home
or i keep being delayed longer at the office
after several fights
we came to a compromise
i would call when i was leaving the office
and help her with whatever was left to do
when i got home
and we could then eat together
personally i liked it better than before
because i enjoy cooking and
it was nice to share the activity
[even if she did almost all the work in advance]
the second issue which arose
from this situation was far more difficult
you see, i am a fickle eater
i am not picky but fickle
there are very few things
that i choose not to eat
[there are many that for religious reasons]
[i do not eat but i do not count that as my being picky]
[but rather god being picky]
for example
i have never packed a lunch anywhere
on a regular basis
[which was another argument with]
[this particular girlfriend who wanted to]
[make a lunch for me to take to work]
[and i refused]
i never know what i am going to want to eat for lunch
and invariably it isn't whatever is in my lunch box
to me having the freedom to choose
whatever my whim desires for lunch
is important
but the fickle problem goes deeper
i like certain foods this week
despise them the next week
and love them again the week after
i realize this is my problem
and most unpleasant for someone attempting to make a schedule of meals
she would say to me
"i was thinking of making beef wellington for dinner tomorrow
how does that sound"
and i would reply
"ehh not so good
i am not a big fan of spinach"
to which she would scream and
point to the huge bag of spinach
in the fridge that i had bought three days earlier
and had myself made a fabulous spinach salad
you see my problem was also one of communication
what i meant to say
is
"i am not a big fan of spinach today, ask me tomorrow"
she insisted that this had to change
and i recognized her point and that the problem was completely my fault
but i refused to change
or more accurately i refused to stop changing
i didn't feel that i had to be consistent
it is just food after all
why not let my whims take me where they will
to her this was threatening
as if i could love spinach one day
and not the next
then could i love her one day
and not the next?
the difference was scale
to me
food is a little thing
what i eat is mostly irrelevant
as long as i enjoy it and i am satisfied
where as
love is far more important
and i would make not make a decision so lightly
the argument ended
with me stating my position as follows
"I reserve the right
to be inconsistent in all things
except loving you"
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-04-05 02:16 pm (UTC)Me? I think there are some truths here, some things that I have a hard time admitting.
Where I tend to take issue with Mr. Gray (Grey? sp?) is in the way he suggests men and women overcome these differences. At that point I think he's a bastard.
no subject
Date: 2002-04-05 04:16 pm (UTC)David Grey = Brittish Popstar
John Gray = Bestselling author.
D'oh!
i believe you are on the right track...
Date: 2002-04-05 04:07 pm (UTC)when a woman bitches about something, to you or her peers, she just wants to have the right to bitch about it. maybe it needs fixed right now, maybe not, but just the act of bitching is a release.
when men bitch about something, to us or amongst themselves, they are looking for a solution or someway to fix the problem.
therefore, when you bitch to her about something, you are doing it because you're looking for her advice. what you'll get is an "i understand, dear" which you will find immensely frustrating. when she bitches to you about something, she's expecting to get an "i understand, dear" and instead gets a thesis on how to fix it. which just makes her mad which leads to that other kind of bitching that you men all hate.
ah... lovely communication. :)
no subject
Date: 2002-04-06 09:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-04-07 11:53 am (UTC)an admirable attitude
but
not exactly what i was getting at
i realize my comments
may not have been properly focused
my thought was that many of the difficulties
between men and women
is a difference of focus
men tend to be more focused
on the grand scale achievement
where as women tend to focus
on acheivement in the context
of relationships
[interpersonal not necessarily romantic]
and the interrelation of events
of course i could be way off base