plural

I see now through the wisdom of others eyes
that what I thought I was saying was not what I was saying

There are certain things I try to hide from myself
not because they are terrible but because I am impatient
and want to be done with them

My last post which I intended to be a diatribe
on my overall disappointment with the vapidness of the women I am sleeping with

I have found them empty

What I thought I was doing
was not what I was doing

when I thought others were empty
it was I who was empty

I spent three years of my life
in a miserable relationship
with someone I loved deeply

It ended and I am not over it

not as much as I would like
I am not sure why

I saw her the other day
we met for coffee
a bad idea on my part

she was a stranger
I didn't recognize her voice or her touch
while I enjoyed the feel of her breast against my chest
when she cried into my shoulder
it was absent the peace I had always felt
when touching her

When I used to hold her in my arms my demons couldn't touch me
the entire world felt far away, I felt at peace

So now I miss that peace
and even she cant give it to me any longer

guess I will have to find it for myself in myself

I know I am not ready for
nor am truly wanting a serious relationship

but fucking
for fucking's sake alone
is not doing anything for me

I don't feel better after sleeping
with someone I care nothing for
I feel worse