a sorry state of affairs, or part two of "Do I ask to much"

[plural]

I see now through the wisdom of others eyes
that what I thought I was saying was not what I was saying

There are certain things I try to hide from myself
not because they are terrible but because I am impatient
and want to be done with them

My last post which I intended to be a diatribe
on my overall disappointment with the vapidness of the women I am sleeping with

I have found them empty

What I thought I was doing
was not what I was doing

when I thought others were empty
it was I who was empty

I spent three years of my life
in a miserable relationship
with someone I loved deeply

It ended and I am not over it

not as much as I would like
I am not sure why

I saw her the other day
we met for coffee
a bad idea on my part

she was a stranger
I didn't recognize her voice or her touch
while I enjoyed the feel of her breast against my chest
when she cried into my shoulder
it was absent the peace I had always felt
when touching her

When I used to hold her in my arms my demons couldn't touch me
the entire world felt far away, I felt at peace

So now I miss that peace
and even she cant give it to me any longer

guess I will have to find it for myself in myself

I know I am not ready for
nor am truly wanting a serious relationship

but fucking
for fucking's sake alone
is not doing anything for me

I don't feel better after sleeping
with someone I care nothing for
I feel worse

Comments

[debgirl001.livejournal.com]

If there is one thing that I have learned in the past couple weeks, it's that no one person can be responsible for your happiness and comfort. you do have to find it within yourself. it's the only thing that will make the feeling stay.