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Recent posts of a not exactly uplifting nature
I don't know how to express this exactly so if it comes off a little wrong please bear with me...
I have had many of intense experiences in my life, in most cases I brought the things that happened to me upon myself, be they good or bad.
I am human.
I hurt, I cry, I fuck things up royally,
I love, I laugh, I giggle uncontrollably.
Having felt the extremes of the spectrum,
where joy and despair become equally painful,
and are too great for my frail body to contain.
I loved a woman beyond my comprehension,
I would cry myself to sleep with her in my arms,
because I knew no other way to release the intensity of joy and passion that I felt.
Yes, she was taken from me, and much sooner that I would have liked.
Yes, I would have traded my worthless life in a heartbeat for hers.
But we aren't given those choices....
a simple choice....
To go on without her, or to end my own life.
As usual, I failed that test too, made the wrong choice...
obviously something stopped me, I couldn't go through with it.
Perhaps it was cowardice.
Perhaps some part of me realized how disappointed she would be if I did such a stupid selfish thing.
I guess what I am trying to say, is that when I look back on what we had,
I remember the joy and the love far more strongly than the pain and the loss.
Sure the pain kicks my ass from time to time,
but I am able to revisit the joy of her life, of our time together
and pull strength to move through the deepest despair.
A moment of what we had,
justified every ounce of pain,
I have ever felt in my life.
If I lived to be ninety and never smiled again.
I would not trade that lifetime of misery,
for a single memory of a single moment with her.
I have had many of intense experiences in my life, in most cases I brought the things that happened to me upon myself, be they good or bad.
I am human.
I hurt, I cry, I fuck things up royally,
I love, I laugh, I giggle uncontrollably.
Having felt the extremes of the spectrum,
where joy and despair become equally painful,
and are too great for my frail body to contain.
I loved a woman beyond my comprehension,
I would cry myself to sleep with her in my arms,
because I knew no other way to release the intensity of joy and passion that I felt.
Yes, she was taken from me, and much sooner that I would have liked.
Yes, I would have traded my worthless life in a heartbeat for hers.
But we aren't given those choices....
a simple choice....
To go on without her, or to end my own life.
As usual, I failed that test too, made the wrong choice...
obviously something stopped me, I couldn't go through with it.
Perhaps it was cowardice.
Perhaps some part of me realized how disappointed she would be if I did such a stupid selfish thing.
I guess what I am trying to say, is that when I look back on what we had,
I remember the joy and the love far more strongly than the pain and the loss.
Sure the pain kicks my ass from time to time,
but I am able to revisit the joy of her life, of our time together
and pull strength to move through the deepest despair.
A moment of what we had,
justified every ounce of pain,
I have ever felt in my life.
If I lived to be ninety and never smiled again.
I would not trade that lifetime of misery,
for a single memory of a single moment with her.