Dreams are built with bricks of thorns.

[plural]

yeah

so

I lied

and

I'm not remotely sorry about it

of course

I didn't really know it was a lie
at the time
but
I suspected it might be

in other words
I broke yet another of my famous rules
and yes
it was for her

or

more accurately

for us

we talked yesterday
and have decided
to give us another try

my heart is still a bit wary
but that goes with the territory
I am keeping my hopes on a shorter leash
for the time being
taking things day by day

but today
and last night
were really quite wonderful

I missed her quite terribly

and
there is
something powerful about a kiss
an embrace
which you longed for
but believed was in the past
only a memory

it was delicious
in every sense of the word

before I went over there
we talked briefly on the phone
I wasnt feeling well yesterday evening
was planning to go to bed early

but I sensed something was off
heard something in her voice
that told me everything was not alright

so I put my queasy belly aside
and headed over
it is an eternal weakness of mine
that I cannot ignore the pain
of people I care about
even if it may hurt me to care

it turns out
that not only did I lie
but I was flat wrong also

it could change something
it did change something

apparently she read that post
and decided that
she had been hearing me
just not listening

things had all happened so fast
she had gotten scared and moved to protect herself

which is understandable
as
when I want something
I'm rather like a bull
charging headlong at it

I can understand how that would be intimidating

so
yeah
now I do not know
what I am doing
once again

but
I'm willing to take the chance
see where life leads me

after all
at the end of the day

the juice is still worth the squeeze

Comments

[polarbear.livejournal.com]

Kick ass, man. Let fear not stop you in any endeavor, yet remember that patience and timing are also key.

[iamjosh.livejournal.com]

That's what moral fiber's all about.

[budhaboy.livejournal.com]

you kids today... you just aren't happy if you aren't emmulating your heros from TV.

What is romance without those little 'Ross and Rachael' moments?

[perfection1144.livejournal.com]

Glad to hear it.

I knew what you were up to in the last post. I've been guilty of stuff like that before :)

[girl-on-a-stick.livejournal.com]

good deal

When all Ive got is a hammer, every problem requires a therapist. ;)

[radiantsun.livejournal.com]

seek couples counseling to prevent the lack of communication from happening again.

[luv2ride.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you are giving it another go.

Re: When all Ive got is a hammer, every problem requires a therapist. ;)

[plural.livejournal.com]

normally I'd agree with you completely
but we actually had excellent communication
save one area, and that one she just shut down conversation entirely

it seems it was more a protective move
than an inability to open up

but we will see

I'm not one to shy away from taking that step

Re: When all Ive got is a hammer, every problem requires a therapist. ;)

[radiantsun.livejournal.com]

Well my guess is if she is doing that without comunicating what why she is doing it, then there is a break-down in communication, or her honesty levels. Which isn't to say she's dishonest, but if she's splitting with you as a protective move because she's afraid of getting hurt, why not just tell you she's afraid of getting hurt, her impulse is X and that's where she is at.

(Have been discussing Radical Hnesty with ppl lately and using it in my own relationship)

[plural.livejournal.com]

We do have to remember that she is, for all her brilliance and maturity, still nearly a decade younger than me.

I recall being in her shoes myself back in the day and understand that sometimes it can seem easier to end a relationship than admit your fears, especially when it seems like the other person isn't mallable.

What it came down to in my opinion was that she was scared of getting hurt and scared of how fast we were moving and of the opinion that my plans (moving to brazil) were unalterable so it made more sense to break up.

As for her avoiding sharing her feelings and having an uncomfortable conversations (like perhaps my trying to convince her to move to brazil even though she wasn't ready for that leap) I can completely understand it.

I do believe she finds it difficult to share her feelings, god knows there was a time I did myself, so I'm willing to give her the benefit of taking baby steps in improving it rather than expecting her to make an instant change.