Confession time again

[plural]

tonight

I met this hot blonde
short haired and frisky
with some nice ink
slim and
in bed

damn
damn

this chick took energetic in bed
to a whole new level

of course
we never actually made it to bed
but you get the idea

now, that really isnt what this post is about
you see, I realized long ago
although I wouldnt admit it until recently

that my sexual predilictions
are simply how I cope
with emptiness in other areas of my life
quite frankly I seduce women
so that sex can replace
the intimacy that is lacking in my life

or in other words
I supplant lacking emotional intimacy
with physical intimacy
I use sex to ease the loneliness

sex is an easy way
to put a warm body in my bed
when companionship is desperately needed

I think that I am ok with it
especially considering my circumstances
which are not especially conducive
to other ways of meeting this need

it occured to me
that the difference between women I can love
and women I can marry
is quite simply respect

now that doesnt mean that those few women
whom I respect
I could marry

just that those I do not respect
I could not marry

also
how what I mean by respect
requires some definition

when I say I do not respect a girl
that doesnt mean I disrespect her
or do not respect her as a person
just that she does not inspire respect

does that make sense?

I am not so sure

ok

the majority of people
I meet in this world
I do not respect

I give them respect
and respect their human dignity
but that is different to me
than garnering respect

I could probably count
the people who I know personally
that I respect on my fingers

and in all honesty
with regard to women
I respect only four

my mother
my older sister
ellen
and
brooke

again, I am not saying
that the latter two are women
whom I think a relationship could work
[in fact there are significant deal breakers with each of them]
[which would prevent such an occurence]
just that when I interact with them
I find that I greatly respect how they live
and interact with the world

most of the women I date
tend to be wonderful and beautiful women
but in all honesty
I do not respect them

I encourage them to be successful
try to enable their success
but for the most part
they havent done anything which garners my respect

so the problem I face
is how to meet my need
for intimacy and connection
with others
specifically women

as when we get down to it
I am not interested or able
to provide but the most minimal of commitment

part of me wants to say
why waste time with women
I know could never be more than a "friend with benefits"

but at the same time
I do not see
why I should have to forgo my little intimacies
all together

I suppose I justify
my behavior with the knowlege
that sexually
I am an exceedingly proficient partner

I suppose I see it as
a physical meeting of mutual needs
where I am taking what I need
and fulfilling their needs

aww fuck

like I even know what I am saying anymore

am I just being lazy
taking the easy road
because
well
it is easy

I suppose in a way
no
why beat around the bush

I am meeting my needs
insufficiently but the best I can
under the circumstnaces

but perhaps
I would be better off
letting that need go unmet

focusing on other areas

I guess more than anything
it is laziness

it is so easy
to play this game
meet this need
however unsatisfying it may be
to meet it in this way

that self denial seems pointless

by that I mean

if I can kinda of, sort of
meet one of my needs
without being a complete bastard

should I not do it
just to get by?

or

am I compromising myself
by just getting by

I really do not know