at peace ... or ... for the first time, in a long time, I am really ok

[plural]

two things which came up from my last post that I thought I would address here separately

the first is easy as any of you who have met me will know

I am a charming bastard
my charm, confidence, even cockiness
are a huge part of who I am

I am not a nice guy, in fact I am pretty much an asshole
especially when it comes to strangers

you see if I do not know you or like you, then I have little or no patience for your crap
I do not waste my time being nice for the sake of being nice, especially if I think someone is a schmuck
[and I wont hesitate to tell them so should I have cause]
my friends tend to be people, who like myself, value someone who will call them on their shit when they need to be
and if you want my respect, respect yourself. If you do not, I will not either

now I happen to believe that displaying disrespect of a person without proper cause
tends to look make you look worse than the person you disrespect
but do not mistake my not wasting my time to disrespect you as a sign of respect
it isn't
I am just more concerned with preserving my dignity than shooting you down

but at least to my friends
[and I consider my lovers friends]
I am a kind and a warm person
often times people mistake that kindness for weakness
which results in one hell of a surprise
because even while I tend to let a lot of shit slide when it comes to my friends and lovers
I have a backbone, and use it on principle rather than on ego

so in my previous post
it isn't that I have an act or a schtick which works to pick up chicks
it is me being who I am
I am just distilling and presenting a particular strength of mine
because in any sales pitch if you try to sell someone on every merit
you just lose their focus
instead you pick one or two things with which to drive the sale

for me those two things
have always been charm and confidence
both of which I have in spades

what others have said
is that perhaps I would be happier with a girl
who, while appreciating those things, is more attracted to different aspects
for example kindness and intelligence

while normally
as in, when I am living in a place that I normally would
i.e. a big city

I have no problem finding women
I am attracted to and interested in dating with the usual approach
in smaller places such as here and north carolina that type of woman is not very common

that being the classy sophisticated and cocky "bitch"
i.e. my opposite number

but let me be clear
the arrogant but insecure barstars that you see men drooling over in clubs around the country
are not not not my thing, sure I have slept with plenty of them
but
to me that's all they are or ever will be

a night's distraction

which brings us to the redhead
because
I am thinking I may have given an incorrect impression about the whole situation with her

before I get to into this
I want to say that I respect her and think highly of her as a person
not to mention that I even care for her quite a bit

but
she was my mistress

not

my girlfriend

sure I would have dated her, casually
but marriage or even a serious relationship was out of the question from the beginning
which I think was a lot of what led to the confusion especially with the intense connection that we were able to share

hell, to be entirely honest
I could have even fallen in love with her
had I allowed myself too and had the time to do so
but in my life
loving someone doesn't mean I can marry them
there are other, more practical considerations

it is easy for me to love and easy for me to realize
that despite love some may not be the right partner for me

does that make it worth less to me
those moments of connection
not at all
but I maintain perspective

one of the things I enjoy most in life is getting past the bullshit
and making a real connection with someone even if only for an hour or two

in fact that is what I enjoy most about sex
the way the rest of the world can just melt away entirely
leaving two exposed souls in an intense, passionate and connected state

which is why until recently I never really had one night stands

for most of my adult life
I went from relationship to relationship
generally with about a week of downtime between
most of my relationships lasted a month or two
before I decided to move on
[I always ended my relationships]
[not the other way around]

what this did was pretty much condition me to being used to regular sexual activity
I go a week without sex and well I start getting cranky

now it was easy for me to do this cycle because there were plenty of women
who I was attracted to and interested in dating
so picking one to focus on next was never a problem

generally the way it went was easy
I was single
I met a girl I was interested in
we flirted and played and shortly thereafter started sleeping together
at which point it was a relationship
which continued until I knew her well enough
to know whether it could move to the next level or not
if not, I ended it, if so, then it moved to the next level

of course consider that only four of my relationships
despite whatever feelings I may have had
moved past that initial point of evaluation

the change really happened after I broke up with amber and left the country

in the year I was travelling I continued to meet amazing, sexy, intelligent and beautiful women
whom I was attracted to, I continued to flirt, play and sleep with them
but there was no relationship afterwards
usually because one if not both of us was a thousand miles away from where we met
let alone the other

I justified it in my mind, and perhaps in truth it really was,
as special moments, brief but intense connections
and enjoyed them for what they were

now I return to the states and move to bumfuck north carolina
the women I normally date tend to gestate in a big city environment
sure some come from small towns but that type of woman generally splits a small town pretty damn quick

but the town in north carolina is at least a college town
so there are at least a few more choices
but even still the women I meet
many of whom will become the type of woman which I normally date
haven't yet become that
which ultimately made a relationship futile

in a way it is was a lot like looking at a young girl
and seeing that she will be a beauty one day
that she will become one of those gorgeous head turning women
but that doesn't mean you want to fuck her now

just seeing that a girl will most likely develop into the type of woman I am attracted to
doesn't mean that I am attracted to her now or that she will satisfy me in a relationship

so what then
well I moved up here
which is half the size of the north carolina town and isn't a college town
sure it has a college but north carolina had ten or more
and here even the girls who might develop into the girls I would be attracted to
aren't here
because they are off in colleges in places like montreal or toronto
or at the very least in halifax

now
I refer you to my previous statement
of being used to sex on a regular basis

the problem is
[and I admit this is weakness on my part]
is that with sex, granted not particularly amazing sex, so freely available
[as it is anywhere]
and with women that at least physically are attractive to me
it has been too convenient and tempting to take home a lil hottie
from time to time to ease the pain
after all it is mostly better than masturbation

in comes the redhead
now under normal situations
[i.e. in a big city]
our relationship may have been quite similar
but I would have been clear from the get go that it was entirely a "friends plus" relationship
where as here considering that we had not only a good connection but fairly great sex
[at least compared to the 19 year old barstars up here]
and the chance of my finding a girl I wanted to date date was unlikely
[here specifically, I have no problems finding girls I want to date]
[in new york, dc, atlanta, chicago or seattle for example]

so a casual relationship as long as it was understood to go no further
[as not to be leading her on]
was quite acceptable to me
call it good company and a mutual meeting of needs

I have often in my life
paused to reflect on my sexual and dating habits
to make sure that I am not being a complete bastard

the other day I watched a fairly horrible movie
entitled "dawg" and starring denis leary and elizibeth hurley
the basic gist of the tale is that denis leary is a player
his grandmother dies and leaves him a million dollars
but in order to receive it
he has to get twelve women he "dated/slept with"
to forgive him for his player ways

to make a long story short
he learns that he has treated many of them quite terribly
and repents his wayward ways

within me
it raised another of those pauses to check myself and my behaviour against such a standard

the question is not have I used people because I know that I have
but
have I used people unfairly

we all use people
use each other
it is a natural thing

each of us have needs; emotional, physical, sexual needs
many of these we can meet on our own but many we simply cannot

we are social beings and many of our needs require interaction with others

so we make use of each other to fill the holes in ourselves
to meet those needs which we are unable, alone, to meet
this is a healthy thing
it is precisely those needs which allow and encourage
our society to function

we need each other

without that need there would be no reason,
no cause for society to exist

the problem only comes when we use each other unfairly
when we abuse the tentative contract that holds us all together as a society

when we only take and never give back
when we manipulate someone's emotions in order to get our needs met
without any inclination or intention of making any effort to meet theirs
when we misrepresent the opportunity cost of interacting with us

and I may be guilty of many things
of many less than kind actions perhaps even some cruel ones

no not perhaps
I am indeed guilty of cruelty, causing pain and distress

but not without measure, not without fairness

have I ever mislead a romantic interest
I am sure that I have but never intentionally

there are really only two sexual/romantic interactions I have
those with women I am interested in exploring the possibility of a relationship with
and those whom I make some connection with, even though there is no possibility

with the former
I have no ability to make a promise
to guarantee what will happen
only my intention
to get to know you
to treat you with respect
perhaps even to love you
all with the direction of determining
whether or not
we would make a suitable match

obviously to date
there has only been one woman
who I felt would make a suitable match
but I guess god had other plans for her

but in each case, for each of the others
I acted without malice and with honest interest
that I came to realize we were not a suitable match
does not mean that I do not, even still, love many of them
or that I was not attracted to them
or did not value our time together greatly

but to continue
at least as we were
without being clear about how I felt
seemed unfair and callously selfish

so I was unkind and I was cruel
because to be otherwise would have made a mockery
of that which I did truly feel for them

so what now?
what exactly am I doing here?

well
to be honest
at least as relationships go
I am treading water
I appraise the chance of finding a girl
that I even want to date here at about 1%
and from rough experience the chance that a girl I desire to date
will move beyond the casual to a serious relationship is also about 1%

which pretty much means
the chance for anything remotely serious developing here
is roughly 1% of 1% or in other words
not fucking likely

so
where does that leave me

well, as you may have noticed
I have been focusing on taking care of myself
focusing on sharpening the skills and talents
with which I gain enjoyment from life

I am still struggling to regain the life
which I sold to the highest bidder for so many years
working obscene hours in name of a dollar

so much of not only what I loved but what I loved to do well
withered and atrophied from neglect

so now I am regaining those things
you have all seen my recent focus on two of them clearly
the first being my cooking
in the past months, I have greatly focused on that
and I am without a question a better cook than I have ever been

this has led conveniently to much improved eating habits
and my body and soul feel much better nourished
these better eating habits
have led to better sleeping habits
which provides me more disposable energy

by that I mean
more of that energy which prompts you to do things you enjoy
I have always had ample energy to do those things which I must
but now I seem to have a little more spring in the step

which has motivated me to work out at the gym
and my body has responded incredibly
to where I am in the best shape I have been in
since I was probably 22 or 23

in the next week, the horse will arrive
and I will take up one of my old childhood pleasures again
riding a horse for the first time in nearly ten years

in a few weeks my motorcycle will be up here
and I will begin riding her again
a passion of my life and a huge part of my mental zen
and I am looking forward to exploring cape breton
with bettie between my legs

soon the sailing season will begin
and I will return to what is probably my
life's greatest passion
sailing on the open sea and racing sailboats
I haven't sailed a boat in more than five years
and I haven't raced one since I was twenty

this summer, I have already made plans
to take many hikes and pursue adventures
of the natural variety
to take advantage of the beauty which surrounds me here

what does all this mean?

well
pretty much
I am healthier and happier than I have been in years
and I only see that improving

am I a bit lonely
absolutely
making friends has been a bitch here
not so much meeting people
but people here have all known each other since they were 12
so
it has been very hard to get on peoples radar screens
where they even think to call you when they are making plans

but that too is falling into place
perhaps slower than I am used too
but nonetheless it too shall come

lastly comes the most difficult thing

love and intimacy

well as I said
I do not expect to find such here
and as much as I have posted thoughts about such things
in a way it is more to get my head straight
then any real search here to find someone

but in the mean time
I still have certain physical needs
and if I can find a person(s) to meet those needs
without compromising my sense of integrity
then I will do so

in that sense Amy was perfect
[the redhead]
because she was someone I could really connect with
someone whose company I could really enjoy
but not someone who would distract me
from what I need to be doing
from working on myself

as for that person
that match
the woman I will marry and adore for the rest of my life
the mother of my future children

my eternal partner in crime

she will come, I am sure
but more than likely she will have to wait until I leave here
and return to my own element
that place which feeds me

the city

In a way I view my time here
as a halfway house
or a convalescent home

I needed to get away from my life
to re-balance things
and to regain that which is important to me
especially if I ever wanted to have a meaningful relationship
to have a family of my own

and here
away from all the distractions and obligations
of my society life
I feel I can do that well

if it means a little loneliness and a little less sex
then I think it is a price well paid
for the rebirth of my soul