Called Bullshit

[plural]

a dear friend of mine
called bullshit on my last post

and of course
she is right

is it my bullshit
yeah some of it
some of it is
her [i.e. the redheads]

but really I don't see
what other healthy direction
I can go

several of my friends
have also made very good points
about how much trouble
is it worth

I mean
I dated her for three weeks
and yeah it was great
but
all things considered
I think charging the gates
would be lose/lose here

I suppose my last post
was as much about salvaging
a positive outlook on something
which is something of a disappointment to me
but which I don't see myself as willing or able
to do much about

I am not willing or able
to declare my love for this girl
so what argument can I make
to put aside her fears and worries
to justify the increase in stress and turbulence
in her family life

not much
bout the best I can do is

"I really enjoy your company, and see a potential for something more coming from this"

which given the circumstances
doesn't even really cut it for me
let alone come close to be a persuasive argument for her

first she is a little worried about not being over her last relationship
a little worried about getting hurt
and within that I think is this thought haunting her mind
that somehow she isn't good enough for me
or not what I want
or to put it simply
she sees my ex girlfriends
and doesn't identify herself as their equal
so she worries that I might wake up and walk away

next
her family hates me
and I made the mistake of following her lead on this
figuring in a casual relationship it didn't seem as appropriate
to step in and smooth things out
but she, and by extension, I, totally botched the handling of the parents
pretty much I think the only way to salvage that
would be to have a sit down dinner
and/or proclaim our love
which I am not ready or willing to do

and lastly
all this is pushed up against
the time barrier
as in a few months
her parents are moving to Halifax
and pretty much the only reason she would stay
is if our relationship had reached a point where it would make sense
for her to do so

so then I have to ask myself
do I see it progressing to a point
where I could see us moving in together
in three months

from my prospective
on a strictly emotional basis
it is a possibility
however I have some reservations
when other basis's are considered

for example the common law marriage statutes up here
can kick into effect with as little as six months cohabitation
and are generally set at one year

while I want to get married some day
I do not want it happening by default
especially so soon

so I would probably want her to get her own place here
which rather defeats the point of why she has been living at home
in the first place
to have cheap rent so she can get her college loans paid off
and qualify for more in order to continue her schooling


so when I say I understand her reasons
for not wanting to get herself emotionally involved
I truly do

while part of me would also like to say fuck it
lets just go for it
I can completely understand her reticence
and what I decided last night
is that I am not willing or able
to make the commitments or even the statements
which would even make a hail mary attempt
worthwhile

am I doing the right thing?

I haven't a clue

but looking at the situation
and what I am honestly able to offer
I do not see much
to justify dragging this out any longer

to a certain extent
to do so seems to me extremely selfish
as I do not have any negative ramifications to continuing the relationship
and risk only a wounded heart

where as for her, every time we get together
strains her relationship with her family
and creates disharmony in their home

which I think
maybe if they were not moving
could be something we could get past
but to do so
for a relationship that in all likelihood
will end in a few months
seems callous and selfish to me

but that's just my nickel
maybe I am missing something
or looking at it the wrong way

how bout yall enlighten me for a change

*grin*

Comments

[kiki679.livejournal.com]

ok, i'm going to weigh in ... for what it's worth. :)

first, i've really enjoyed the tales of you and the redhead. i think i'm falling in love with you. *grin*

second, i go back and forth on whether i agree/don't agree with what you've decided. you know, that is the trait of libras (fellow birth sign) -- to weigh both sides of the situation. a good trait to have, i think, except that its hard to pick a side. :)

with that said, i tend to lead with my heart, so i'd probably be inclined to keep pushing it to see where it goes. but, then again, that's also probably why i end up with it broken so often. :)

[sickboy.livejournal.com]

Some things you have said to me over the years have made a whole hell of a lot of sense. I wasn't always as good at following them since I'm pretty much an idiot when it comes to my own life.
Something stands out here... all the little signs that say she's clearly not ready for a relationship. It's been my experience that sometimes it's best to just keep walking when you see those signs. There's nothing like being in a relationship with someone that actually knows that they want to be there.

That'd be my 2 cents

[cynica.livejournal.com]

I see lots of excuses. I see lots of fear. I see lots of unwillingness to grow some balls and take the risk.

I love ya, but you will regret walking away. Something supergood could come as a result if you just stop thinking everything to death.

[ch.livejournal.com]

"I really enjoy your company, and see a potential for something more coming from this"

that's as much as anyone can say (or as much as someone should expect to hear) after only three weeks.

[ipsafictura.livejournal.com]

Speaking as someone who found *it*, ten years after I met him. When the right person comes, at the right time, you know. We can't tell you if you know or not, but trust me.

You already know.

[hiraya.livejournal.com]

I'm wondering why you feel the need to rationalize a decision you've already made, post-facto.

If you don't feel strongly enough to make compromises or to ask her to make compromises, then maybe it's not the right time for either of you. And, that's okay. Don't know whether you'll get a second chance, but you have to be honest to yourself.

Disclaimer: Honest with yourself, but not condoning your fears.

[lumiere.livejournal.com]

Regardless of whether or not you and the redhead go your separate ways, I'm quite surprised that you're not making an effort to patch things up with her family. It seems at odds to me with my understanding of who you want to be.

Furthermore, I believe it's in your interest to patch things up. Should you and the redhead stay together, the value should be obvious. Should you separate at this time, she will remain who she is, modulo some growth and change, and so will you; life is long, and your paths may intersect again. What then, if her family still hates you?

[kiki679.livejournal.com]

and just for clarification ... that was meant to say ... "falling in love along with you" :-D

[dew.livejournal.com]

Seems to me that you've given it a lot of thought. The potential for a long term relationship is there and the thing with her parents could be fixed (and probably should be). The fucker in all of this is the time frame. Personally I think it takes more than 3 weeks to know whether a person is right for you.

You should move on. Staying fuck buddies until she leaves will only serve to confuse things further. Who knows your paths may cross again when the timing is better.

[plural.livejournal.com]

well to be honest
the whole family thing isnt
against me personally
more against the existence of a me

I have met her parents once
said all of two words to them
and since then
nadazip
she has kept us apart
trying to avoid drama

while I could easily have repaired things when we were dating
there isnt really a point now that we have gone our own ways
[or an opening for that matter]

sure I feel like I screwed up in allowing her to override my instincts when it comes to managing her parents perception of me but I didnt feel like I really had much of a place to object given the "casual" nature of our relationship.

[plural.livejournal.com]

eh i was more explaining for yalls benefit

thats pretty much it really, I dont think I can ask her
to compromise in this situation
without feeling overly selfish

[plural.livejournal.com]

*grin*

this wasnt it

it could have been something

but having had it
once before myself

this wasnt

however
I have loved a great many women
for less than her

[plural.livejournal.com]

yep

which is why I decided to walk

cause thats all I will say

and if it isnt enough

dems the breaks

[plural.livejournal.com]

I agree
there are lots of excuses
but for the most part
they arent mine

I just dont see a leg for me to stand on
with regard to trying to continue

her position is that all of those things
in her opinion make continuing the relationship
unprofitable

as for fear

believe me I have no fear
of either getting told to fuck off
or of getting my heart broken down the line

but if getting her back
means being unfaithful to myself
I am not willing

and lastly
I stopped thinking a week ago
just going with it

but she didnt
and this is her choice
I am only deciding to accept it

[plural.livejournal.com]

I wasn't always as good at following them since I'm pretty much an idiot when it comes to my own life.

yeah me too *Grin*

and

vis a vis the relationship thing, she has said as much, so yeah, I agree

[plural.livejournal.com]

oh so you are into threesomes eh?

*mischevious wink*

I bet you say that to all the boys

[plural.livejournal.com]

really
I dont see an opening to push
I would have to make one
and
that seems overly forceful
for such a short lived romance

[plural.livejournal.com]

yep

thats about where I am at

[trishylicious.livejournal.com]

if there really IS a potential for something more, and you see this girl around as a friend (not a lover) then who knows, maybe something more will eventually happen when you BOTH feel ready.

but, it is very soon to push for something intense/serious after only a few weeks.

[sickboy.livejournal.com]

yeah here I was pretending I was all slick and figured that out myself when really it was just a quote from the source!

Damnit, one of these days I'll look smart.

I'd give you a pep talk but you never seem to need one. You know how the whole thing goes and nothing I'd ever tell you would be new news.

Also, hadn't heard back from you in a while over Cuba. I figured it was safe to assume that it might not be possible but figured I'd check just to be sure.

[plural.livejournal.com]

pep talk?

nah usually a smack upside the head
works for me

dont sell yourself short either
you really helped me get my head straightened out
when I needed it after my "L"

at this moment, cuba is looking pretty unlikely and I am pretty bummed about it
but I am still hurting financially after february.
been trying to find inventive ways to make it work but it seems like lately every time I turn around something else is costing me a grand

but maybe I can work an extended layover in toronto sometime this summer/year and meet the belle and yourself

[hiraya.livejournal.com]

:) Well, I got it the first time around, actually. Yay me.

And, she probably feels the same.

[plural.livejournal.com]

yay you

and

could be

could be

[cynica.livejournal.com]

gotcha.

I wish you the best of luck, and a wonderful who's open, willing, available, and without hesitation in the future. ;)