The Great Pretender

[plural]

People who know me well are often divided on the subject of my ability to lie
many say I am a horrible liar and many others a gifted one
neither is exactly accurate
you see my lies are true
I live my lies

even here people have often asked me
to what extent my ramblings are true

the answer is both completely and not at all
they are true in that the events described occurred,
and were presented as I experienced them
but all must pass through the false lense
which I have created

It works like this
I acknowledge a desired attribute or an existing character flaw
determine a skill set which can demonstrate
either possessing said attribute or repairing said flaw
and become proficient

skills are easy for me
I have the innate talent to master most things to a passable level of competency
in somethings I excel, but almost anything I can achieve
the minimum level needed to appear competent

am I competent sure, so it is not a falsehood
but it is only the appearance which concerns me

as a boy
I was introduced to the concept of creating the perfect life or the appearance thereof
many years ago I chose my lies and set about making them true
and I have been incredibly successful at it

I have perfected the ability
not only to present the perfect genteel facade
but to make it truth

I surround myself with the trapping of success
the talents of a prejudiced life

from my extensive liquor and wine collection and my talent for cooking
which allow me to appear and even be, a sophisticated host
to dancing, witty flirting, and even sex

all are carefully crafted to create this image

this truth

I have created my own Potemkin village to surround myself
only over the years have poured so much effort into the deception
that what was once only a facade, lacking substance
is now, quite simply

truth

I am not a man but an illusion given substance
a fifteen year old boys fantasy of a man made real

when talking with a friend recently
she asked why it is we always want what we cannot have

I responded that
I don't know, its never really been a problem of mine

you see my problem is wanting anything at all
pretty much all my life, once I have decided I wanted something, I got it
I have always had a gift for bending the universe to my will
but
its the downtime between wants that kills me
just doing meaningless shit that you thought you wanted
or that others seem to want, to pass the time
hoping that anything will excite you or turn out not to be a waste of time
then you get desperate for anything that means something,
so you try to fake yourself into believe something matters
but the light of dawn cradles no lies
so you sit alone feeling entirely pathetic for having grasped at obviously false straws

which is what I am
a young boy pretending to be a man
clinging desperately
to the straws of my life
with which I have surrounded myself

hollow trappings
of my carefully woven illusions
made real for the world
but still empty
for me

Comments

[thawaltzingfool.livejournal.com]

We have more in common than I ever would have thought.

People think I am something and I know I am pretending, "playing the part" is what I call it. It's a game with a goal of hiding darkness and doubts. Some have told me I am perfect, others have told me that I get everything I want. Only in this journal (and to a few close people) do I expose certain truths about myself. To the rest of the world I am what I appear to be.