other stuff

[plural]

This past week
has been an expensive one

between travelling to Seattle, repairing my van
[the transmission blew on the way home from the airport]
and a few other miscellaneous expenses
it has cost me roughly 5 grand

in order to try to make it to Scott's wedding which is at the moment entirely dependant on
a business deal closing in time to buy a plane ticket
I am still hope full, but these unexpected expenses mean that I have a lot less flexibility to work around things
I will have to postpone my DC trip until autumn and the Atlanta trip as well
although at the moment I am not sure when I can fit that in my schedule
since I have just been informed that I have an additional wedding this summer and one this fall
that I need to work into my schedule somehow

at the moment I am feeling a little anxiety with regard to financial matters
I have several deals in the works which will be very beneficial
but I am hesitant to start counting my chickens before they hatch

I did manage to renegotiate a contract which will save me nearly $150 a month of expenses
which will be helpful over the long term

I have to admit that even though I know sound financial planning
is about taking a long series of small steps in the right direction
and letting those smart choices stack up over time

I cant help wishing from time to time
that it would all just hurry the hell up

you know there are times
I almost miss being poor

sure I didn't have much
but I had a lot less pressure and much smaller worries

at times it can be very scary to have so much to lose

when I was younger and barely scraping by
working as a cook, renting in a shitty basement room
in a shitty little house with six other people
half of whom were coke heads or musicians
[benefit of the doubt on the latter]

my biggest worry was making sure I put aside sixty five dollars
from each paycheck for rent
and
no matter how much I screwed up financially
the worst that would happen is I would have to eat ramen for a week or so

now I have
utility bills
accountants
property managers
lawyers
and travel agents to pay

property and investments to manage

in other words
all sort of shit to screw up

last year
I fucked up and nearly lost a quarter of a million dollars
of someone else's money

you wanna talk about feeling like shit
its bad enough if you lose your own money
but someone else's
ouch

and really the only reason it was "nearly"
was because the people I was dealing with were honest folks
who wanted to close the deal even though they had every legal right
to walk away with the money and not look back

I don't want to seem like I am whining here
because
I truly count my blessings
that life has been as kind to me as it has

of course
I really never had much choice
the older I get
the more I recognize just how totally I was programmed
and how so much of what I have done
was just carrying out the instructions
set in my childhood

I have always lived with the expectations
of my family
there was simply no other option
but to be successful

even now
I still cant quite escape it
the best example I can think of
is with regards to having children

growing up
the expectation that I marry and have children
was simply assumed
it wasn't even an expectation
but a familial obligation
even now
I cannot even begin to honestly question that path

so ingrained is that path in who I am
and how I was raised
that even to ask the question
is something I am uncomfortable thinking about
in the privacy of my own mind

it makes me feel like a small child
just to think on it
and I realize so much of what I am
who I am
is deeply rooted in a desire
a need
for my parents approval and that of my family
and
that value which my world seems built around
the intense sense of duty to family

the funny thing is that it
it is not the idea of marriage and having a family
which bother me
in fact they rather appeal to me
or seem to

what bothers me is that I am entirely
unable to distinguish between my own desires
and those instilled in me

I feel almost like a marionette
who becomes aware of the strings tied to his limbs
but cant distinguish between his movements
between those that are of his own will
and those which summoned by the puppet master

part of me wonders
looking at the values instilled in me
the priorities which my family handed down
if there could be worse puppet masters
if mayhap the boy doth protest too much

but
there is also this strong independent streak
that reviles the idea of dancing anyone else's tune

and as much as I hate to admit it
the idea of deviating from the plan
scares the ever-living daylights out of me

when I pause to think of all those choices and paths
of how little I really know about the world and even really about myself
that immense gulf of uncertainty
feels like a living hell
and
so easy does it seem
to replace all of that uncertainty
with the family plan

just do whats expected
there is plenty of choice within the framework
to make it my own
but
just accepting the framework
provides an anchor for the rest of my life
a foundation to place dreams upon
and without it, I feel utterly lost

Comments

[nandan.livejournal.com]

I hear what you're saying, I do. I was always questioning advice or expectations of my parents or the common herd. And I think you've got more possibilities than I did, as well as more pressure, so your questioning much be greater. On the other hand, and this is just a thought, is it really necessary to reinvent the wheel on marriage?

I'm sorry I'm so inarticulate tonight. I'm very very sleeeeeeeeeeeeep