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pluralI am dying here
god I adore the onion
This Weeks Horoscopes
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer
Aries: (March 21 - April 19)
You'll garner praise you don't deserve when you carefully manipulate the facts concerning your late phone bill to make yourself look like a hero.
Taurus: (April. 20 - May 20)
Your recent decision to adopt the warrior code of bushido to guide you through life will lead to a tragic confrontation with your inept pet groomer.
Gemini: (May 21 - June 21)
You insist that there is nothing wrong with the American educational system, but the person who reads this to you isn't quite so confident.
Cancer: (June 22 - July 22)
That old joke about the blind woman who answered the hot iron won't seem so funny when you're hospitalized after talking on one for 45 minutes.
Leo: (July 23 - Aug. 22)
Trial by jury is fine, but not when all 12 jurors insist on chanting "Guilty!" throughout your entire testimony.
Virgo: (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
You should have seen it coming when, out in the West Texas town of El Paso, you fell in love with a Mexican girl.
Libra: (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
You're living proof that a sordid and unhealthy sexual relationship doesn't have to involve other people.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Before you can truly grasp the principle behind of the zero-sum game, you will have lost all your money playing Texas Hold 'Em.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Letting tomorrow take care of itself isn't really a bad philosophy, if you're pretty sure there are more than eight tomorrows left.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Your life story will be called "a Lord Of The Flies for the fat and lonely" by a local newscaster who has obviously never read The Yellow Wallpaper.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Things aren't so rosy at the moment, but take heart: Someday, you'll be able to look back and laugh at all those nurses you had to kill.
Pisces: (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Filing off the numbers and reselling the hot goods would be a workable plan, if you didn't deal in stolen credit cards.
god I adore the onion
This Weeks Horoscopes
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer
Aries: (March 21 - April 19)
You'll garner praise you don't deserve when you carefully manipulate the facts concerning your late phone bill to make yourself look like a hero.
Taurus: (April. 20 - May 20)
Your recent decision to adopt the warrior code of bushido to guide you through life will lead to a tragic confrontation with your inept pet groomer.
Gemini: (May 21 - June 21)
You insist that there is nothing wrong with the American educational system, but the person who reads this to you isn't quite so confident.
Cancer: (June 22 - July 22)
That old joke about the blind woman who answered the hot iron won't seem so funny when you're hospitalized after talking on one for 45 minutes.
Leo: (July 23 - Aug. 22)
Trial by jury is fine, but not when all 12 jurors insist on chanting "Guilty!" throughout your entire testimony.
Virgo: (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
You should have seen it coming when, out in the West Texas town of El Paso, you fell in love with a Mexican girl.
Libra: (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
You're living proof that a sordid and unhealthy sexual relationship doesn't have to involve other people.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Before you can truly grasp the principle behind of the zero-sum game, you will have lost all your money playing Texas Hold 'Em.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Letting tomorrow take care of itself isn't really a bad philosophy, if you're pretty sure there are more than eight tomorrows left.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Your life story will be called "a Lord Of The Flies for the fat and lonely" by a local newscaster who has obviously never read The Yellow Wallpaper.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Things aren't so rosy at the moment, but take heart: Someday, you'll be able to look back and laugh at all those nurses you had to kill.
Pisces: (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Filing off the numbers and reselling the hot goods would be a workable plan, if you didn't deal in stolen credit cards.
