The pied piper's price

What price is worth paying for the thing you want most in the world?

Is there a price that is too much?

How do you look yourself in the mirror while you decide?

How do you walk away from that which you most desire?

---

I was going to make a trip to Seattle this afternoon
my boys up there were getting together for fight night
originally
I had not planned to go
but
today
I felt like I needed to

I wanted the drive as much as anything
time to clear my head

I told Samantha I was heading up
got in the car
drove for about an hour up I-5
and turned around

because
as I drove and thought
I couldn't be sure that I was coming back

over and over again
that same line reverberated in my head

how do I walk away from that which I want most

because right then and perhaps even now
that was what I was doing

so I turned around
not because I have any idea what I am doing
or because I have any answers
but because
if I am going to walk away
I do not want to do it without a fight
going quietly into the night is not who I am

I sent Samantha a text message
[I don't have a phone atm because I killed my cell]
letting her know that I changed my mind about going to Seattle
but that I thought it might be a good idea for her to spend the night
at her father's place

because
while I'm not going to run away from this fight
I'm not in any place to have it now
so instead
I bought a bottle of bourbon
and
I'm going to get rip roaring drunk

tomorrow is a new day
and
with any luck
I'll find the answer I seek
at the bottom of the bottle

I usually do

The suffering of hope

Why can't god / life / everything

just leave me in peace
pass me by
forget about me

life is so much easier when you don't have to hope

every time I reach acceptance

in comes the wrench

just when I've finally come to terms with my lot
with my life

accepted what I have
recognized what I'll never have
and been grateful for it

in comes the wrench

It isn't lacking which hurts me
the absence of people
the absence of things
the absence of love

but rather
the hope for more
the idea that maybe I can have
those things which to most seem so normal

I just want to be normal
to have a normal life
to have a wife and family

so badly
so terribly
but
I'm not normal
and a normal life
isn't mine to claim

and those things which raise that want
that hope
from its shallow grave
hurt me so tremendously

I'm a man not only capable of evil
but experienced at it
with much blood and suffering on my hands
I'm damaged goods
corrupt and dishonest
I sold my soul
for duty, honor, country
only to find that they are hollow constructs
without value

so what
I made my choice
I chose my path
I decided my actions
I can accept the consequences
just leave me be

stop persecuting me with hope
with redemption
with happiness

leave me alone
with my idleness and riches
my shallow vapid existence

stop infecting my heart
with dreams that are beyond me

just leave me be*










*unless of course you know someone who delivers bourbon in Portland cause that bottle I just bought is getting pretty empty pretty quickly