Consequences

been doing a lot of thinking lately about myself and my life,
what I want and what I am and most importantly what it is that I require to be happy

it all started with a simple enough comment and I came to realize

that while I long ago accepted that I am indeed an asshole
[and quite good at it as well]
that there are certain sacrifices choosing that path included

because while, if there is one thing life has taught me
it is that while I can have anything I want
I can not have everything I want

choices

that's where it is at
what it all comes down to

getting what you want isn't the hard part
eliminating all the distractions
so to realize and focus on exactly that which you really want
is

I am indeed an asshole and you know what
I love who I am

the renaissance man
the consummate gentleman
the king

but I never really faced up to the consequences of that acceptance
and the resulting decision that I was ok with being an asshole

specifically with regards to having a family

you see, I have the world just where I like it
[sucking my dick]
and I am not really interested in compromising

I've tried to have my cake and eat it too
and that is nothing but folly

The problem I have is this I am
not willing to settle
not willing to alter my perfect little world to accommodate another

I've known this for a while but never accepted that what it means
that I can never get married
never have children

that road is simply closed to me

sure
some might say
I could find someone who is willing to do the compromising
that my wealth can allow me options to make it work

but that's the hook
the rub
the thing that bites you in the ass

as the ever brilliant Groucho Marx once said

"I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member"

I too
would never be satisfied with such a woman

the type of woman I could marry
the type of woman I could spend thirty years with
would never stand for that shit

and children?
how could I let myself be so blind

even if I did marry a woman who would be willing to make all the compromises
and even if I could be happy with her
I could never bring children into this world
and subject them to my selfishly ordered world

I despise mediocrity
especially when it is by design
while I have never found anything which I could not excel at
[save jump ropes but who the fuck cares about jump ropes]
I suppose it is possible that I could suck at something
even if highly unlikely

which is why I despise most people
they not only accept mediocrity most of them strive for it

a waste of life
a waste of breath

it breaks my fucking heart

but not me

I refuse to be a half assed husband
a part time father

I am who I am
not by words or thoughts
but by deeds

I am a man and a damn good one at that
the choices I have made have their natural consequences
and it is past time I accept them

I am not just a man
and
as Nietzsche said

"that which does not kill us makes us stronger"

and my continued survival bears it out

but to what end I wonder

for what purpose do I need such strength
such absolute immortality of will

there can only be one answer in my mind

that I may be king

and
if I am to excel at being a man
let alone the king

I must choose

decide what exactly it is that I want
what exactly it is that is most important to me

for too long now
I have been unhappy, unsettled, ill at ease
not because I disliked my life or who I am
but because deep inside me I was uncomfortable
struggling to find a way to balance myself
with what is expected of me

but what I have come to realize
is that I am happy now
as I am

why fuck with it

because someone else thinks I should?

I don't think so