Live your life deliberately, that you may be spared regret

Let me preface this by saying
I adore my parents and for the most part
I enjoy their company
it is just that over the years
I have come to accept what they are willing to give
and what they are not
to accept them as they are
not how I might wish them to be
this is not so much a bitch about them
as an observation on human character


as most children do
I learned long ago to mold my interactions
with my parents to suit their preference

I learned what information to share
and what to withhold
in the interest of family peace

you see
my parents embraced the concept of

"don't ask, don't tell"

I could live pretty much how I wanted
as long as it wasn't in their face
and they could "ignore" it

it was the primary rule
in my upbringing
later it shifted
into my learning how to deftly avoid
lines of questions
or actively helping them ignore things which they would not like

as long as I appeared to society and community
as the perfect son, successful, brilliant, well mannered and normal
I could live as I pleased in the background

it was an uneasy truce for many years
the fact that I had to play the game
chaffing my hide
but necessity not giving me much latitude

I learned to pick my battles carefully
determine which things I was utterly unwilling to let slide by
learned how to set the field of combat in advance
planning the conflicts when I needed to
and when I had the leverage to force a victory
and let the rest of them slide

This became much easier
when I started going to boarding school
absent the daily contact and oversight of my parents
and mostly unimportant once I was supporting myself

I lived my life quietly
in circles that did not interact with theirs
and danced in and out of society
as needed to meet my family obligations

this created a fairly strange circumstance between my parents and I
in which they know almost nothing about my adult life
or even much of my late adolescence
except what I have carefully laundered and presented to them

it didn't bother me much as they had never
seemed particularly interested anyway
as a child
they had no interest in what I wanted
what I liked
except as it gave them something
to brag about to the Jones'

I raced lazers competitively for years
the last three of my high school years
ranking in the top thirty nationwide for my age group
out of literally hundreds of regattas I competed in
they came to one
it wasn't one of the three nationals
which I competed in
though everyone in society knew about my success
no
the one they choose to attend
was a minor event
convenient to them in Seattle
and even then they only showed up
for one day out of three

to this day
neither of my parents could tell you what my favorite food is
even though it hasn't changed since I was a small child

neither of them have really a clue what my interests are
outside of what I have told them when
they asked what I wanted for my birthday


When it came to financial, legal and societal matters
they were always there for me
made sure I had the resources and education
to succeed in this world
but emotionally and personally
they were entirely absent

and I accepted this
was fine with it
it was what they were willing to give
able to give
so I found what I needed among my friends
learned to develop incredibly close friendships
to build my own sense of family

I wonder how much of my sense of duty and devotion to family
comes from my determination not become them
when I have my own family
to seek a higher ground

I also wonder how much of their emotional and personal absence
came from my denying them the opportunity

I heard the following quote once

"Friends are like parachutes, if they aren't there the first time you need them, you probably wont be needing them again"

to a certain degree, my relationship with my parents
was much like this

as a young child I learned what they liked and disliked
what areas they were good at handling
what needs they were willing to meet
and adapted
getting those needs they were unable to provide
met through other means
and I stopped going to them for those needs altogether

when I was working
I noticed myself replaying my parental tapes
in my relationships

I worked hard
usually around eighty hours a week
to provide a home and creature comforts
for the women I loved
did not understand why they were unhappy
when all they wanted was to spend time with me
time I did not have because I worked so much
I could not understand it
I would not understand it

To me working and providing
was how I showed my love
a six bedroom house
and thousand dollar dresses
season tickets to the opera, symphony and reparatory theaters
literally mimicking my parents
without even realizing it

It helped my justifications
that in my line of work
everyone worked those kinds of hours
and without a college degree
there was simply no other way
to make the kind of money I did

My women would complain about me working late
and I would respond angrily
couldn't they see I had no choice
I had to work to pay for our roof
our food
our lifestyle

I also think my pride played a big part
I was not willing to make the changes
which would have given me more time

many other couples my age
where getting by just fine
if a little tight on expendable income
on salaries that put together
did not equal half of what I made

but I liked being the big shot
I liked the little laugh I had in my head
when I saw kids I went to school with
selling beer at Mariner games

a little fuck you to all those who told me that I would be a failure in life
because, as a child, I refused to conform to their rules

Then one day it hit me

I did have a choice

[granted it was a choice provided by the money my career provided me]

and
I took that choice
and started an entirely new journey
first to find my passion
my lust for life
my sense of wonder about the world
a journey which took me to South America
then Europe
and I still do not know where it will end up
though if I was to guess
I would say this is a journey that will have no definite end point

recently I have noticed
my parents paying a little more attention
I think to a certain degree
my abrupt lifestyle change startled them
out of their conventional view of me
sort of forced them to take notice
of what I was doing now

It is mildly amusing to me
to see the looks of surprise on their faces
when during the course of our interactions
I demonstrate a skill, knowledge or talent
which they had no clue I possessed

but I have to admit some resentment here
in that I am not interested in changing things
I have become comfortable in our relationship
even with it shortcomings
and to a certain extent I do not trust them
with my emotions and desires

the risk to me is this
I have become accustomed to a certain level of interest
on certain subjects from my parents
inured to the condition one might say
and quite frankly
I am afraid that if this is but a temporary thing
and I let them into my life and my heart
it will crush our relationship beyond repair
when it returns to business as usual

at the same time
there is a part of me that still desperately needs
to share my life with them

it is painful to sit at a meal with my parents
and know that I am a stranger to them
the great loves and tragedies of my life
unknown to them

they don't know about my nightmares
they never met charlotte
never even knew about her
and still don't

how exactly do I explain something like that?

that I was completely in love
that I proposed to a woman
that she died
and to them I said nothing

that I have buried those who meant the most to me
consistently over the years
and to them I said nothing

there is a huge gulf of history between us
one I don't know if I want to cross
when this side of the ocean has finally gotten comfortable
so that I gently avoid their small overtures
to learn and share my life with me

I know It is cowardly to seek a comfortable life
to avoid doing the things which are uncomfortable
but part of me is exhausted
tired of being brave
I just want a rest
a short time to leave those past hurts
those broken hearts
on a shelf somewhere
that I can heal

When is it my turn to be cowardly?
When is my turn to be weak?

I don't want to be strong anymore