Quiet times and random thoughts

Went out this evening to see a local band who I always enjoy

had a sort of date as well, not really sure what is going on there
I think this is the fourth or fifth time we have gone out
sometimes just the two of us
sometimes with groups of friends
and
besides having a good time
nothing has happened between us
but
whenever we are with a group of people
she seems to make a point of giving me extra attention
so
whatever
I have been pretty apathetic recently
and
it has been feeling pretty comfortable as well

not sure entirely what to think of that
although I do enjoy the improvement to my pool game
I have been so relaxed about shooting
not really caring if I drop the ball or not
and it seems they all go in

It is pretty funny
I only lost once tonight
and
except for my first drink
all of my drink were bought for me
by the various people I beat

one group didn't understand the concept of table control
wanted to play partners with their friends
while we had a series of heads up games going on
I explained that they had to win a game
to take control of the table
at which point they could call the game

one of the guys was like
"don't worry about it I will take him"

I just grinned
then
schooled him

I dropped two on the break
then followed with three more successive shots
clearing all of my open balls
he dropped one of his
then missed his second shot
and in the process freed my last two balls
and that was it
game over
he still had six on the table

I shook his hand
and went over to dance with my date
while my friend racked the next game
I have been teaching her how to swing dance
and she had a few drinks by this time
and kept asking me to dip her

I
of course
obliged

decided to call it a fairly early night
headed home at last call
on the way home
I drove by the local synagogue
there were a bunch of cars outside
and lights on
which got me thinking
first about what the hell they were doing there
at ten to two in the morning
then about religion
spirituality
and more specifically
my relationship with each

I thought about why I don't go to synagogue anymore
namely
because it is emotional for me
in a way that I am not entirely comfortable with
and I wasn't really sure
why

I would go to services
and that huge hole in my heart
would open up
and damn near break me

I didn't much like it
wasn't entirely comfortable with it
but mostly
didn't have a clue why

tonight I think I figured out
at least part of it

it was one of those strange associations
mental leaps
that either signals genius or insanity
but in the middle of this series of thoughts
an image formed in my mind

a scene from braveheart
where the Bruce confronts his father
and his father tells him that "all men lose heart"
to which the Bruce responds

"I don't want to lose heart, I want to believe"

that is just it
for so many years
I have forced myself to be cynical
jaded
watching my back
protecting myself from life
concentrating on discharging my obligations
trying to be realistic
grounded in fact and practice
focused on getting things done
but really
when it comes down to it

I don't want to lose heart

I want to believe