here is my confession

Father

I am sorry

for I have failed you

if I could only be half the man
you raised me to be
I would be content
gratified
ecstatic

but I am not
I am not that man

I am sorry
That I am such a fuck up
you deserve a better son

Why I am, I can not figure out
I am so lost
I am so lonely

It seems there is no place for me
in this world
a stranger in a strange land

You raised me
with kindness and affection
to hold certain ideals true
above all others

I have learned your affection
adopted it as my own
for such ideals
but they are beyond me

I am just not that good of a man
god knows I try
I try
and
I fail

and it breaks my heart
in ways I can never tell you
to know that I can never be
that which you wished for me

for I am a gray man
the invisible sort
I do not exist
instead merely an image
a ghost
something you see out of the corner of your eye

that dream which we all seek to achieve
the realization of self
the personalization of our values
but
I am not that man

I am weak
and
I am afraid

but worse than that
I have failed you
and
I do not even have the courage
to tell you this

the weight of my oppression
of my failures
consumes me

such is my desire
of being worthy
of being the son you desired
the son you raised
that I am
entirely too terrified
to tell you this truth

instead
I can only curse drunken curses
castigate my self
and sit here
pathetic
crying over my inadequacies
wishing
praying
hoping
that I could be a better man

(no subject)

I had a dream
tonight

about a certain brunette
and
37 days
[I think]

of course the weird thing was

I was awake