If there's grass on the field, mow it down

aight so the bachelor party began
at 9:00 sharp saturday morning
we tee'd off at 9:15

and I armed with a case of cold beer
[sold to me at the reduced price of $80]
was ready to begin my duties as the best man

by the third hole the groom
was finishing his fourth beer
so that he wouldnt exceed his alloted mulligans
[Cousan E Rukus's rules for deliquent golfing]
[clearly state that you may only take an amount of muligans]
[equal to one less than the number of beers you have consumed]

We finished the first case by the 7th hole
the next case by the 14th and
somewhere along the way
I managed to misplace the windshield
of the golf cart I was driving
[and good thing it was too]
[for I was far too drunk to walk]

all in all it was a good game
I kept my handicap under the triple digits
and we were greeted most kindly by the local constabulary
at the 18th hole

for those who are not aware
Cousan E Rukus states quite clearly
in his reknowned book on bachelor parties
that visits from the local constabulary
are not only required by a helpful tool to measure
the quality of the planning by the best man
[who in this case was me]

Having the police called once
is a good start
twice is optimum
as the third time earns a trip to jail

Of course I had already armed my lawyer
with significant funds to ensure a quick release on bail
should my plans despite my best intentions
exceed my projected specifications

anyway apparently someone had called them
saying that an individual in our group
had kicked out the windshield
and the officers called him over

I walked over to see what the problem was
listen to them explaining what they were told
and interrupted

"oh no, it wasnt him, it was entirely my fault you see"
"the damn thing fell out and I did my best to put it back"
"but wouldnt you know it fell out again"
"so I tossed it in the back to bring it with us"
"but wouldnt you know it"
"the damn thing popped out and I couldnt tell you where it is"
"but dont you worry yourselves about it"
"go wait over there and once I finish this hole"
"I will go clear it up with the management"
"if we have further need of you, I will be sure to let you know"

so I finished the hole
placated the manager
and sent the police off on their way
set the group down for a brief lunch
and a variety of tests for the unlucky few
who would shortly need to drive actual automobiles
[we had felt it would be safer to just take the golf carts]
[for the rest of the day, but the management seemed to feel]
[this would be highly undesireable for some reason]

we moved our little group
back to my cousins to shower and change
to get ready for dinner with the ladies

my cousin and I went ahead of our motley crew
to find good parking and purchase a couple of cigars
then headed to the restaurant
or more accurately the bar in the restaurant
where I finally managed to get a proper drink

the rest of the gang
shuffled in shortly
an order imperial pints of various beers
[which reminds me]
[I need to sue whoever produces]
[arrogant bastard ale]
[for violating my copyrights]

my cousin and I went back to check on the
private room that was reserved
and was informed that it was non-smoking
I spoke briefly with the hostess
nodding to my cousin to head back to the bar
by the time our reservation slot had arrived
[about twenty minutes later]
[and luckily just before my cousins fiancee]
amazingly enough
the room was converted to a smoking lounge
and the hostess
well a gentleman never tells

a most pleasant dinner ensued
with all sorts of bawdy conversation
and much musical chairs
not to mention a few flying objects
but of course
all of us being gentlemen
we followed Cousan E Rukus rule about
the company of ladies and only threw
unsharpened silverware and other things which do not stain
[although one could argue about the nature in that regard]
[of many of the comment which went whipping by]

and while there is several more hours of fun
and at least one more encounter with the local constabulary to recount
[thankfully I was again able to prevent any arrests]
[although I must admit it was closer than I would have liked]

I must run off now and get some business accomplished
before the day is entirely done

I will just have to finish this tale
another time