(no subject)

ok
so
i was heading up to dantes
to meet up with the crew
when
i discovered that the
required freeway onramp
was closed for construction work
there was a sign saying follow detour
so i did
i travelled a ways
without seeing any sign of future
direction and upon seeing a construction fellow
picking up cones ahead of me
i pulled over and asked him
the easiest way to get back to the freeway

he gave me this odd look
and said

"you're a flagger aren't you?"
"I recognize you"
"never forget a face i don't"

I was rather bewildered
"a flagger" I said "i don't know what you mean?"
i was thinking that he
was mistaking me for some other fellow
who apparently works on another road crew
but
i had this feeling that
whatever he meant by flagger
was something else altogether

I tried to worm his meaning out from him
but judging by he demeanor he view me
as something slightly less dangerous
than a venomous snake

he tersely suggested that i head north
to bellevue and get on the freeway from there
i thanked him
and
with an odd look
he said
"you take it easy now"

and more in a
you reckless fuck sort of way
rather than a
hey bud take it easy

or
maybe i just
hallucinated
the entire encounter

ah well

another face to see in the dark, screaming to my soul.

running away
full bore
no past
no future
just now
its all i can handle
and
even that's a stretch
oblivion suits me best

my soul
its safety
even i am untrustworthy
in its keeping

haven't known
what to
say
feel
think
love
hate
live
die

i want to kill
indiscriminately
arrange the bodies
into my own
message
a macabre prayer
to god

two words
seven letters

fuck you

blind sided yet again

of course i shouldn't be surprised
those i love
have a survival rate
only slightly better
than contracting Ebola

today i understand genocide
but even that seems inadequate
for my loathing, my rage

fuck it
i wanna take everyone out

636274

my grandfather had numbers
like those tattooed on his arm
wish i could remember what they were
would like to share
his tattoo
a constant reminder of
what we humans
are worth

but i suppose
i meant this as a tribute
to the most recent additions
to my ever growing list
of those who have gone before

i got the call
Sunday evening
on my way to a cocktail party
a friend [a brother] is dead

his three year old son
in critical condition
casualties
of living in the green zone
and
guilty of coming home

what god makes bullets
that rend child flesh?

the father was buried
Monday
his son
laid beside him
only a few hours ago

my grief turned impotent rage
everything i do seems
so meaningless
and the act of living
[normally]
seems disrespectful

most useful
advice i have ever received

breathe in
breathe out
repeat until it feels natural

i am still waiting
for that last part