a shameful confession ... or ... the worlds greatest marketing department ... or ... psycho-mutant-h

I learned recently (as in Amber told me)

that
I snore
apparently
quite badly

now
this is
not a complete
surprise
but I have
always been under
the now apparent delusion
that
I only snored
when I was
sick

no
apparently
this is not
the case

then
my next
thought was
that most snoring
is caused by
ones tongue
flapping in the
back of ones throat

so as long
as I slept
on my side

I would be
ok

or rather
she would be
ok
and I would
merely live to see daylight
oblivious to how
close to the end of my life
I had come

this was not the case
either

however
we discovered
that if
I slept on my stomach
the situation was manageable

now
why am I telling you
this?

what drove me
to share this at the crack of dawn
one morning

well
I shall tell you

I have
recently received
a quantity of spam
from what appear to be
the same company
and the same product

for snoring relief

it promises that

SNOR-GON is a safe, natural solution to your snoring problem

* Works first time, every time
* All natural
* No side effects
* Guaranteed results

of course
nowhere does it say
who takes it

I would presume the snorer
but
with all the medical training I have had
I can not imagine how a pill could
solve the problem

unless of course
it was
a horse tranquillizer
taken by the affected party

then again
would you take a pharmaceutical product
from a company
who's idea of branding is
vaguely reminiscent of
back woods Arkansas

(and someone repackaging
horse tranquillizers in Arkansas and reselling
them as snoring relief over the Internet
doesn't sound that far outside the realm of
possibility)

of course
it could be worse
it could be

SNOR-B-GON

of course

SNOR-GON
sounds kind of like
some mutant hosebeast
encountered on
Buck Rogers

"And he fought with the vile Snorgon"

so I suppose SNOR-B-GON would
just be a
pretentious and snotty hosebeast
which also would be worse
that just a standard hosebeast
I assure you

the 29 bucks
spent
to make her sleep easier
would be worth it

of course
what are the chances of a spam
product from the Internet working?

then again
even if I get ripped off
wouldn't I be one hell of a cheap ass
not to risk 30 bucks to
minimize her suffering at the hands of my snores?

I guess it comes down
to product safety then

want my dear friends
do you suppose
are the chances
of such a thing
having less than
three
mutative and
otherwise harmful
side effects?

think it will
turn me into
a psycho mutant hosebeast
from outer space?

God I love philanthropy

A silent auction
to help needy children

I thought I would check it out
see what I could contribute

and

what do I find
someone has
offered for auction

a weekends use
of a 1961 Corvette Convertible
with the classic red/white/chrome
color scheme

This my friends
is what we call

a moral imperative

to drive that car
mmm
and its for charity
so
I can even feel good
about spending an
obscene amount of money
for the priviledge

actually
I probably wouldnt
pay for it normally
but since it is for
charity
and
it would be
oh so much fun

I can
not
resist

now the only questions
is
do I follow normal silent auction tactics
and wait to bid till to the latter part of the
auction
or
just blast my competition out of the
water now?

hmm
decisions
decisions
decisions