People are like onions, each layer you peel away is softer, and more pungent.

Life is strange,

When you least expect something, there is arises, like a leviathan from the deep, silently shaking the calm collected facade you have so carefully built.

To what do I refer?

An encounter with my most recent ex.

Why is it that people make choices, and then fail to understand the logical consequences?

I can honestly say there is nothing I have done, that in the same situation, and having the same information available to me, I would not do again. No regrets for anything I have conciously made the decision to do. That does not however mean I have always liked the results. Merely that I made the best decision available to me.

I live by my heart, which imperfect as it may be, steers me through life...

I either love someone or am apathetic towards them. I hate no one.... there is not a person alive, save perhaps my mother, ( but I love her enough to forgive just about anything) whom is valuable enough to me, for me to feel that most vile and destructive emotion.

I am quite clear about my emotions, if I love you as a friend, or as lover or both, you will feel it to the core of your being. But quite frankly I have spent enough of my life angry, at people, at god, at the world, for all its supposed injustices. I refuse to infect myself any longer.

Anger and hatred, are commonly mistaken as the opposite of love, when in fact they are merely the facets of the same stone. The opposite of love is Apathy. I honestly could not care less if the person lived or died, sure their dying would be unpleasant, in rare cases perhaps a shame even. But it does not affect my existance in the least.

Anyway I digress, Today we closed the last of our joint business. Why we waited almost 8 months, I havent a clue. I could say that it was difficult to find a mutually acceptable time, especially with the amount I travel for business, but that is probably just an empty justification. Most likely we didnt want to face the finality of it all, perhaps I need time to heal to have the strength to face it. As is usually the case, I only know the right answers when it comes to other peoples lives. Three and a half years is a long time to cast away without looking back.

We completed our business, I stood to go, prepared to make my way with as little fuss as possible. She started to cry... Asked me why I was so cold, and didnt the time we spent mean anything, was I just going to turn around, walk away and never talk to her again?

What did she want? For me to say we would be best of friends forever? we were not friends when we were dating, lovers yes, fantastic lovers even, but if we had ever been friends, it had been lost long ago.

I said "Well actually yes, something like that."

I couldnt look at her standing there, crying, I despise seeing pain in others, especially when I cause it, I know all too well the feeling.

In a pathetic attempt to soften my previous words I said, " I dont know what you want from me, I need to continue on with my life, find a way for myself, you have your new life with a new man, I dont think it is healthy for me to be a part of that, either for me, or for you."

She looked at me with eyes filled with pain that struck cold daggers into my heart and said nothing for a moment. "but what of the years we had, thats a long time just to never speak again, didnt that mean anything?"

I paused unsure what to say, the first thought in my head was "Obviously not" but I managed to maintain enough compose to bite my tongue. what I said instead was "it is simply too painful for me, to think about you, to even consider the thought of ever seeing you again, I dont know what will happen in time, perhaps things will change" and so it went, for 15 or 20 minutes, I attempted to be frank, kind and be clear with myself and her about what I needed.

Her new boyfriend drove up, which ended the conversation, she took my hand, said the words "I love you", I squeezed her hand gently and nodded slowly, "I love you too" in my head I added, "but thats not really relevant anymore."

She said "thank you" for what I am not sure, and turned to go, I walked to my car, without looking back, and drove off.

Maybe I was cold, I bear no anger or ill will towards her, I truely wish her all the best, in all her endeavors.

I just dont have a place for her in my life anymore.

The decision was made, it was now time to live with the consequenses...

I will admit that I resent her expecting more from me... Its rather funny, it could have perhaps worked out the way she wanted. When we initially broke up, there were feelings of pain and loss, but I could see us perhaps salvaging some sort of friendship. In the next two months she set upon a course of action in which she seemed to do everything she could to twist the knife.

Finally for my own sanity I was force to cut off ties, at which point she was shocked that everything meant so little to me. Am I over her, no probably not, although I would have felt more strongly that I was this morning. But I have set aside our past, and moved on with my life, I dont see where I had any other choice?

On a lighter note.....

I went to my favorite cafe, I have been patronizing it for almost 10 years now.

The owner is a good friend, and I have my own parking spot (which is quite a perk on capitol hill.)

I felt the need for comfortable surroundings, a delicately pulled vanilla latte....

The company of single serving friends, otherwise known as the regulars of the place.

After exchanging pleasantries and updating each other on our lives, the owner showed me to one of my regular tables, upstairs in the smoking section. As I walked to the table my eyes searched the room for familar faces, someone to lighten the mood. alas I thought, tonight I was forsaken even here. I sat, opening my paper, and began to read.

The presence of my waitress roused my from a fascinating review of a french film called "Cold Water", I will have to make a note to see it in the near future.

I glanced up, and was dazzled by her smile, My first impression was that she was the most beautiful woman, I had seen that day and perhaps that week, even though I knew it not to be true.

She had soft red hair pulled back into a ponytail, large round eyes, a glowing smile, modest round and perky breasts and something else.....

Something which brought her rather average and plain all american girl next door looks to a new level.

I find I am usually most attracted to those which have held on to that which I have lost.

Innocence, Faith, Hope, Belief in the goodness of human nature.

Not to say she was naive, for I got the impression there was intelligence and experience behind her eyes.

She smiled, and her face glowed, her eyes radiated with life, I felt like a vampire feeding on her.

I introduced myself and asked her name. I wont share it here, but it like her external appearance was pretty but plain.

I have a distinct difference of opinion with regard to beauty, after all it is the primary thing I worship.

True beauty is contained in the essence of things, not soley in it external visage. The shell of a decaying building contrasting with a modern skyscraper, echoing past lives spent and forgotten in the inevitiable march towards progress. While a model on an actress may be attractive, they generally lack depth, the 3 dimensional quality which allows us to breathe it in, absorbing its soul.

I ordered a single tall vanilla latte, my usual, and inquired if they had some of their decadent strawberry torte left.
She went to check and I was given the opportunity to observe the curves of her figure, which was actually quite remarkable. The place I find most arousing on a woman, is not her breasts, not her legs, nor her ass, but the soft sensual curve from the bottom of her ribs, to the beginning of her hips. Of course not that I minded the view of her legs and firm buttocks either.

She return briefly, smiling at me from accross the room, and informed me that they did infact have some left.
Smiling, I order a slice and returned to my paper.

A few moments later, she return with my latte and torte, again a bright smile.

Now to my female readers, which to the best of my knowledge is the entirety of my readership, I am aware that smiling and be nice is in most cases merely ones intereptation of doing ones jobs, and I assure you, I was not reading more than that into it. I state it merely to explain my momentary fixation.

That said, I decided regardless that some flirtation was in order, we chatted briefly, I learned that it was in fact only her second day working there.

Again I returned to my paper, and she to her work, shortly later, when she asked if everything was alright, I responded with a resilient "fabulous actually"

I enquired if she had in fact had the opportunity to try this delectable dish, and to my horror she had not. I offered a her a bite, she demurred saying she would try some later, I was not about to be so easily put off and I cajoled her gently, she worried that her boss would frown upon her eating from a customers plate, I pacified her fears, with words of encouragement, of course ensuring her that I would smooth things over with boss should he find ill favor with her for it.

She quickly, almost as mouse dashing from a hole to snatch a piece of cheese, leaned over and took the proffered nibble into her mouth, paused for a moment savoring it. I found great favor in this pause, the momentary lapse of time to completely absorb the complexity of it. Far too many people hungrily devour exquisite confections with but a yumm as the fill their cheeks like chipmunks preparing for an especially harsh winter. Her response, a simple honest smile, followed by a nod, a slight sigh... and then in an instant was off, eagerly back to her duties...

I am always amazed at the earnesty of a newly hired employee, the short term energy where someone attempts to earn the confidance of their colleagues. In time, as new turns to routine, as everything does, it will fade.

I smiled briefly, with charm and confidence, thanked her for the pleasure, and took my leave....

I do not believe in love at first sight, but I do believe in lust at first sight, not necessarily limited to physical lust, but a lust to learn, to experience, to know another person.

As I drove slowly home, her image twirled in my mind, her bright smile lifted my spirits....

Lust it was, and I savored each morsel.

Learning to enjoy life from my cats

Today has been most delightfully peculiar, I arrived at work at a reasonable time, between 9:30 and 10 am, worked for a while, and around eleven decided to take a nap, it was delicious, I rose about about two hours later, grabbed a quick lunch and continued on with my tasks for the day...at 2:30 i decided again that a nap was in order, yawn, I just woke up from that nap now, I think I will probably leave the office here shortly. Mmm, cats really have something here.