on vices

[plural]

we all have vices
or
most of us do

some of you smoke
cigarettes
marijuana
and other things
[hopefully not crack]

Some of you drink

Some of you chase love and/or sex

whatever the vice
each person finds their pleasures
in the shadows of their heart

my vice is not
cigarettes though i smoke them
nor is it drink
even should my liver be soon pickled
nor for all the time
and
energy i devote to them
is my vice women

no drug
substance or emotion
contains my vice
though my vice
contains and produces
them all

so what is it
my loves

this vice which i cherish
as i spiral in its embrace
to my certain destruction

destruction you say,
why destruction

that is the nature of vice

vice is a pleasure
bought and paid for
with your eventual destruction

but i have led you on
long enough
i will tease no further

for my vice
is that which surrounds you
some of you more than others

my vice is civilization

the clink of a glass
laced with amber liquid
distilled apathy and passion
in each drop

the absent back
of a sleek black dress

all those aspects of culture
of humanity
which reach for perfection
or
in disemboweled apathy
reject it entirely
and embrace their cursed existence

the perfect meal
the perfect wine
the perfect drug
the perfect woman
the perfect disgrace

the stimulation of all senses

i love beauty
foremost among things
and
civilization
provides it in spades

both in its shining hour
and
its moments of despair

for my vice provides me
objects of beauty
whether wrapped in sparkling tissue
or
blood stained morality

lessons which allow me
to reflect
reflect upon
the differences
between man and nature
savior and betrayer
life and death

you see
i
am not addicted
to the material aspects
although my addiction
is manifested in them

i don't want
an expensive bottle of wine
because it is expensive
i want
the perfect wine
because it is
divine

the expensive liquor
has purity
where the cheap
does not

someone decided
often ages ago
that they were going to make
the
best bourbon
wine
champagne

where as
others in this modern day
struggle and focus
on
making it just good enough

i have no purity
so i seek it
relentlessly

i have no beauty
in my spirit
only wounds
and
deception

i desire purity
for it has what i lack
but in my sickness
i can only gain pleasure
from perverting that purity
by
taking it
savoring it

that which is pure
i seek to debase
to obtain
if only for a moment
its purity
becomes mine

that which is
tainted i seek to elevate
to redeem
to purify
for in that moment
treating the whore
as
delicately as
the virgin

vicariously
i
too
regain purity