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Life is strange,

When you least expect something, there is arises, like a leviathan from the deep, silently shaking the calm collected facade you have so carefully built.

To what do I refer?

An encounter with my most recent ex.

Why is it that people make choices, and then fail to understand the logical consequences?

I can honestly say there is nothing I have done, that in the same situation, and having the same information available to me, I would not do again. No regrets for anything I have conciously made the decision to do. That does not however mean I have always liked the results. Merely that I made the best decision available to me.

I live by my heart, which imperfect as it may be, steers me through life...

I either love someone or am apathetic towards them. I hate no one.... there is not a person alive, save perhaps my mother, ( but I love her enough to forgive just about anything) whom is valuable enough to me, for me to feel that most vile and destructive emotion.

I am quite clear about my emotions, if I love you as a friend, or as lover or both, you will feel it to the core of your being. But quite frankly I have spent enough of my life angry, at people, at god, at the world, for all its supposed injustices. I refuse to infect myself any longer.

Anger and hatred, are commonly mistaken as the opposite of love, when in fact they are merely the facets of the same stone. The opposite of love is Apathy. I honestly could not care less if the person lived or died, sure their dying would be unpleasant, in rare cases perhaps a shame even. But it does not affect my existance in the least.

Anyway I digress, Today we closed the last of our joint business. Why we waited almost 8 months, I havent a clue. I could say that it was difficult to find a mutually acceptable time, especially with the amount I travel for business, but that is probably just an empty justification. Most likely we didnt want to face the finality of it all, perhaps I need time to heal to have the strength to face it. As is usually the case, I only know the right answers when it comes to other peoples lives. Three and a half years is a long time to cast away without looking back.

We completed our business, I stood to go, prepared to make my way with as little fuss as possible. She started to cry... Asked me why I was so cold, and didnt the time we spent mean anything, was I just going to turn around, walk away and never talk to her again?

What did she want? For me to say we would be best of friends forever? we were not friends when we were dating, lovers yes, fantastic lovers even, but if we had ever been friends, it had been lost long ago.

I said "Well actually yes, something like that."

I couldnt look at her standing there, crying, I despise seeing pain in others, especially when I cause it, I know all too well the feeling.

In a pathetic attempt to soften my previous words I said, " I dont know what you want from me, I need to continue on with my life, find a way for myself, you have your new life with a new man, I dont think it is healthy for me to be a part of that, either for me, or for you."

She looked at me with eyes filled with pain that struck cold daggers into my heart and said nothing for a moment. "but what of the years we had, thats a long time just to never speak again, didnt that mean anything?"

I paused unsure what to say, the first thought in my head was "Obviously not" but I managed to maintain enough compose to bite my tongue. what I said instead was "it is simply too painful for me, to think about you, to even consider the thought of ever seeing you again, I dont know what will happen in time, perhaps things will change" and so it went, for 15 or 20 minutes, I attempted to be frank, kind and be clear with myself and her about what I needed.

Her new boyfriend drove up, which ended the conversation, she took my hand, said the words "I love you", I squeezed her hand gently and nodded slowly, "I love you too" in my head I added, "but thats not really relevant anymore."

She said "thank you" for what I am not sure, and turned to go, I walked to my car, without looking back, and drove off.

Maybe I was cold, I bear no anger or ill will towards her, I truely wish her all the best, in all her endeavors.

I just dont have a place for her in my life anymore.

The decision was made, it was now time to live with the consequenses...

I will admit that I resent her expecting more from me... Its rather funny, it could have perhaps worked out the way she wanted. When we initially broke up, there were feelings of pain and loss, but I could see us perhaps salvaging some sort of friendship. In the next two months she set upon a course of action in which she seemed to do everything she could to twist the knife.

Finally for my own sanity I was force to cut off ties, at which point she was shocked that everything meant so little to me. Am I over her, no probably not, although I would have felt more strongly that I was this morning. But I have set aside our past, and moved on with my life, I dont see where I had any other choice?