plural: (wild thang i think i love you)
but
its from the same time in my life
and
is similarly bizarre

its just an old memory I do not want to lose
even if it is probably better off forgotten

---

A diary entry from years ago
perhaps only significant because
it was finding this same entry
which prompted me
to start this journal

---

6:35am

I broke up with J. Whatever was bothering me kinda came to a head, I also sensed she wasn't happy in the relationship either. Later that night I was flirting with A, trying to be good, really I was, but no such luck, we made out for a while, then I bailed and C spent the night at my place. The next night A and I slept together.

The night after that had A, L & D over, they got into a fight because D didnt like seeing me flirt with both A and L, though he will only admit that L bothered him, D stormed off.

A, L and I had a long chat and kinda came to the realization that D had been sleeping with both of them, and I had been sleeping with A and fooling around with L. Slept with A a bunch over the next couple of days, then tues or maybe Weds of last week, I was at the exit and met G.

D was flirting with her, she took us down to the bikini store and tried on bikinis, I sold her to some guy for two cigarettes, anyway...

D, L, G & I ended up hanging at my place watching movies, L brough party snacks and condoms. Next morning/afternoon am laying naked in bed with G, when in through the window comes A ready to kill, says something about her movies and storms off into the TV room, gets her movies makes some comment and climbs back out the window.

G & I, well actually G decides to head down to the exit, to hopefully talk to S, her boyfriend, before A can. No such luck, as we come down the steps S's car roars around the corner and down the street, G freaks out, I tell her not to worry it will work itself out.

We walk down to the exit, She talks to S, I talk to S, I talk to EB, who finds the whole situation hilarious, or so he says though he is lying a little bit, but not completely.

I talk to A, I manage to get G a second chance with S, smooth things over with A and everythings cool, or so it seems. I take A home and fuck her, all seems normal. Well over the next couple of days S shows no interest in dealing with G, could not care less, not that I blame him of course.

A keeps bringing up minor discrepancies along the lines of "he said she said" etc. Finally it comes to a head in a cafe, and I lay it on the line, I told her that I didnt care about her that way. That I liked her as a person, enjoyed her company and respected her enough not to lie to her about my feelings. I said that I would not say whether what I did was right or wrong, or try to make any excuses for my actions. If she was interested in my thoughts I would be happy to share them but while I would prefer that she stayed the choice was hers completely.

She stared at me, with a look of hurt anger in her eyes for a couple of minutes as if deciding if she should be angry and storm out or sit down, take me home and fuck me, and then sat down.

Later that night we went home, G also spent the night.

The next day, we went down to a party down south, S ignored G, and fucked some other chick, I got to know F a little better, though resisted the temptation to kiss her, dont think I will next time, wouldnt mind fucking her at all.

oh yeah almost forgot, gave S a rough draft of my resume, his mom is gonna do it up all nice and he is going to give it to his manager.

I am going to the symphony with L and A tonight, should be fun... last tonight, I hung out with D, T, OJ, G, L & E, there's a possibility of something happening between E and I, but with women who knows, I'll leave it up to fate...
plural: (Default)
I plead silently to her as I lay there staring at my lonely reflection, feeling her cold hands press my flesh as one would a piece of meat before devouring it a piece at a time. Addicted to her touch, intoxicated by her smile, begging her to suck my life, her sustenance. Incapable of movement, held by her horrific beauty, her dark endless eyes and deathly pale skin. Long since having removed all protections from her fatal attractions, my chains from silver to gold, all signs of my religion so thoroughly washed from my home as to make me wonder if they had been there at all. The spice now gone from my palate has returned in abundance to the living of the last few days of my life. Night after night, I watch my reflection fade as she sucks my life, and infuses me with the cheap variation she calls her own. Until, a mere shadow of my former self, I leave the ranks of mortals for an eternity of damnation, trapped in my lifeless body. Yearning for the hunt.
plural: (Default)
Walking alone
in the battlefield of my dreams

long jagged scars mar my soul
new wounds bleed freely

my life drains slowly from them
dripping
dripping
pooling on the blood soaked earth
standing
clutching my sword
my sword of senseless reason

raising my shield
my shield of denial

wiping the pain, the fear, from my face
mocking true warriors
bracing myself to appear falsely strong

raising my shield
hindering my demons, jaws gnashing
eager to devour my soul

raising my sword
slashing at the demons that plague me
cutting through them they disappear
returning to my mind
where they were spawned

my energy spent
my will wasted
I fall to my knees
tears streak down my cheeks

I drop my sword
my shield

tonights battle finished
I fade into oblivion
already feeling the beast gnaw at my soul
I rest
only to fight
the same fight
night after night
plural: (Default)
reflections
a mere image
a wealth of information within

my reflection is never truly seen
others see what they wish
but that is not me
tis but what their eyes blinded by their own fears see

yet I too am blind
to mine own reflection
also blinded by fear
fear of what I may find there

refusing to look clearly
for my hidden demons dance freely
joyously
taunting me to see them
dancing in grim mockery with my skeletal armies

in my reflection
my deepest fears are written boldly across my chest
my strongest desires dangle in from of my face
daunting me
exasperating me
for my arms are tied
tied by my fears
unable to break free of these self-imposed sanctions
to reach for that which I crave

in my reflection
past loves
worn jaded necklaces dangle from my neck
a banner to suffering
an ode to misery
an invisible invitation to others
each daily encounter adding a bead to future necklaces

this jeweled crown upon my head
robbed time after time
each theft a life
each life a loved one departed

upon my hands
tarnished rings
each ring a life
a life taken before its light could fully shine

this noose hanging round my neck
grows ever tighter
as my days draw to an eternal close

I, a mere menagerie of these twisted reflections
carry on beneath this unbearable weight
entwined unknowingly with my reflection
unable to break free

for, in my reflection
I see nothing.
plural: (Default)
death
waiting
expecting
expecting my life
eager to experience this tender young flesh
to devour the minuscule remains of my soul
she smiles and picks her teeth
waiting patiently
for my release from this world
a world of masochistic desire
for the unyielding fruit of false dreams
when
I shall enter the protective folds of her obsidian gown
embracing her with my lifelong collection
of frustrations unrelenting
of hopes basely crushed
of undying fruitless loves
pleading for the sanctity of her blasphemous love
praying that she shall grant me release
for all my worldly infatuations
grant me
that which I desire
to allow my malnourished soul
to fade forever into the final peace
of oblivion
plural: (Default)
Shadows dancing
flickering
haunting the corners of my mind
my soul
Mists
erie secret silent mists
veiling the visions of my heart
of my mind
bright flashes of consciousness
of clarity
a piercing light
briefly, painfully illuminating
swiftly slicing through the mist
dispersing shadows
forcing me to see myself with absolutely devastating clarity
the depths of my broken battered soul
the hell of my morally destitute life
and the comically sadistic beast which resides within me
yet simultaneously casing new shadows of doubt
and
finished with this bout of self-persecution
leaves me alone with my insane revelations
which perhaps are but the reflections of my dissipating sanity
skewed masochistically by my minds cruel intellect
leaving me twisting in the torturous winds of my life
screaming in the intense pleasure of everyday sensations
unable to escape
wishing to crawl into the sanctimonious safety of the shadows
and feebly grasp that false sense of security that is found within.

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plural: (Default)
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