Apr. 17th, 2008

Thoughts

Apr. 17th, 2008 02:42 am
plural: (bowler)
I spent the day
cooking and shopping
for the Passover seder that I am hosting
on Saturday.

For the most part
it was the incidentals
that we prepared today.

the stuff we wouldn't have time
to do on Saturday
which is the main day for cooking

the menu for the seder is

to start:

Leek patties
Matzo ball soup

the main:

Israeli salad
Roasted potato medley
Filet of Lamb
Braised Chicken

dessert:
chocolate dipped strawberries and satsuma pieces
jelly thumbprint cookies
and

wait for it

popsicles

the idea of twenty two adults
having a fancy and ceremonial meal
(not to mention one which has four glasses of wine consumed before dinner is served)
completing it with popsicles
just tickles me

consider that nearly everyone will be drunk
by this point
in particular myself
seeing as I have to fast all day
before the meal
so
I'll have four glasses of wine
before my first bite of food
[probably more as I tend to drink while cooking]

a situation that doesn't exactly lend itself to sobriety

I'm looking forward to it

I've invited not one
but three women I'd like to sleep with
[just to make it interesting]

my dear friend and co-host "N"
suggested an orgy after dinner
so I could complete the transaction with all three

I could not argue
after all it is a celebration of our freedom
from slavery in Egypt
should we not be free with ourselves as well?

but that is just casual musing
as
I've been thinking lately
that it would probably be best
if I avoided coitus with all three

not that I will necessarily
I've always been weak when it comes to
beautiful women

what can I say
when it comes to failings
I suppose I could have worse

I've been thinking
something I'm too often prone to do
that
any woman I would marry
does not deserve to have a broken man
such as myself foisted upon her

after all
I am already in love
I have never stopped being in love

that she was taken from me
makes little difference
all these years
haven't changed
haven't cause to fade
the passion I feel for her

Those who say that time heals all wounds
are liars and worse

It has been more than a decade
and when I wake in the night
the pain is no less than that night
when I sit quietly
the love is no less than in any of our days

I am
still in love with her
truly madly deeply
completely

I miss her terribly
but more than anything
I miss her flaws

those little weaknesses
the miniscule tremors
that appeared in her hands when she was nervous
the way she would worry and fret

those many things
that made her human
not the goddess I wished to make her

but I was a foolish boy
and now I'm a foolish man

looking back
it was her humanity I loved most

and how she saw me
looked right through me
smiled softly
perhaps even coyly
and disarmed me

she had a way
perhaps that is all I should say
perhaps that is all that matters
she had a way

a way with me
to make me feel ridiculous
to make me feel absurd
but without ridicule
without condemnation

instead
with only
a smile

god, I miss that smile
that look

it said so much
no
it said everything

a single gesture
no, half a gesture
as that smile was only half a smile

but in it
was contained a loving caress

"I love you, even when you are being a fool."

and a fool I was
and a fool I still am

so why should I not love her still

I am still a man
the same wretched little man
I was then

so why should I not still love her

the world has changed
moved on

but she is fixed
and
so am I

a broken man in a broken world
wanting the only thing I cannot have

but all of that
really doesn't matter
as it is only ancillary to my decision
a recognition of conditions
as they exist on the ground

the real thing comes down a particular girl
one I'm quite fond of
but who has made it clear
she is not interested in a fling

I am quite attracted to her
but she wants a relationship

to have her
all I have to do
is say so

but I cannot

it isn't about all of this truly
it was just the catalyst
it just got me thinking

despite my attraction
her and I would never work
I've dated women far too similar
and while they make me quite happy
they are made miserable
and
perhaps it is selfish of me
but I dislike dating a woman who is made miserable by me

but as I said before
it started me thinking

and
I have high standards
particular and specific standards
and
in all honesty
the few women who can meet them
deserve to be loved
truly madly deeply

in truth

singularly

and that is not something
I can provide

I can love them sure
perhaps even love them well

but my heart is spoken for
that one singular love of my life
has come and gone

and any woman
who meets my exacting standards
deserves more than that
deserves to be first in the heart of her lover

and for me
that place is forever reserved.

my dear friend "N" and I
discussed this subject tonight
and
other somewhat related things
and it led to my sharing
my play with him

and even before he finished
and gave his opinion
I had decided it was time
to finish it
to make it complete

he liked it
and urged me to finish it
so
I've poured a glass of bourbon
and
tonight I will start
perhaps the close will come to me now

we shall see

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